The worst day ever for modern black America continues from noon to 1:00. President Palmer is starting to regret his decision to fill his staff with hobbit nazis, Curtis Manning remains dead, and Matrix guy has had his ass beat down by a group of Arabs with internet access. But the main story is Jack’s war against his own jacked-up family. Let’s recap, shall we?

The hour kicks off with Graham exhorting his hired goofs to kill Jack and to
“make sure everything goes according to plan”, but he has apparently forgotten that Jack isn’t an invalid. The stupid master plan was to ask Jack to jump into a pit that would at some later time be filled with concrete. Jack, not being retarded, foils the plan and kicks ass. Dad helps somewhat, but then suspiciously kills a goon that Jack had subdued. Jack then locks down Graham at his house, busts in, and starts interrogating Graham. Graham takes a shitload of pain intravenously, and gives up that he was behind the deaths of David Palmer, Almeida, and Dessler. Jack’s about to kill him for this, but the soothing 90-year old face of his 7-foot dad somehow stays his hand.  Later, before Graham can get taken to CTU, Jack’s dad kisses Graham’s weird bald head and kills him with an overdose of pain stuff. So Jack’s dad is behind all this shit, maybe, whatever.

Regardless, Graham basically was too stupid to live. I can’t believe this guy pulled off the assassination of David Palmer. Dog, chief, if you’re in the game with big money, why you fuckin’ it up with budget tactics? Think it, if you had unlimited funds, would you assign the death of Jack “American James Bond” Bauer to two trigger-shy flunkies? No, because you’re not an idiot. I realize that Cro-Cop might not be available as a bodyguard due to his parliamentary
duties, but anyone savvy would do better than this. Whatever, goodbye, Nerdy McLamesauce (name stolen from Big Fig, thank you).

Meanwhile, in the worst storyline of the show, Matrix guy gets a Nelly-bandaid on his face and regrets selling out the Muslim gang at Fullerton Community College detention center. The ham-fisted lesson is going to be that if you put all the Muslims in jail for whatever, even the non-crazy Muslims will hate you worse. Hate backfires! Take that, every voting American with an IQ under 40!

On the flip, McCarthy reveals that his ho’s name is Rita, and that he has found a guy to fix Fayed’s nukes. Shit is, they are going to use Morris O’ Brian, Chloe’s ex, unwilling though he may be. I’m legally required here to give props to Jenko, who inexplicably called this during the season opener. Here’s how the props went in live action:

      Me: You’re like a Korean Einstein with tits.
       Jenko: You’re welcome.

The preview indicated that Jack will kill people next week. Again, this cannot be called a spoiler. The only thing that's "spoiled" is our chances of seeing Kim rockin' board shorts and getting Kimnapped. 


Best upper-middle class euphemism/metaphor for boning:
When Jack tells Graham’s wife Marylin that Graham is involved in all kinds of terrorist shit, Marylin says, “He hasn’t confided in me in years.” Is that what the kids are calling it these days? Insert your own Graham/ skeet-skeet-skeet joke here.

This week’s “NO SHIT” moment: In a call to Jack, Buchanan breaks out his analysis of the situation as follows: “As it stands, McCarthy is our only link to Fayed. We need to find Fayed before he can arm the nukes.” Thus, Jack knows that he needs to find McCarthy and/or Fayed. You could handle Buchanan’s job.

Question of the Week: President Palmer says that he was “elected” in the first few minutes of the show. However, he was not Vice President or anything like that as of 20 months ago. Is this mathematically/constitutionally possible? Maybe!  Give your explanation below or at craftinvegas@gmail.com!