Happy Season Finale Everyone! I would call it a 3/4 Happy Ending, happy enough to give us all a warm fuzzy feeling, but not happy enough to be included in any children's book. We did get something that my ex-girlfriend never gave me the benefit of, closure. Isn't that right Francine? Anyway all our story lines from our characters had clean little endings so we can start fresh for next season.
A season finale wouldn't be a finale if it wasn't full of celebrity cameos, right? Matt Damon, of Team America: World Police fame, is working for a children's foundation to help the hungry. He doesn't even ask Vince to help as much as he tells him to. He demands both Vince's time and money, approximately $150K to be exact, and hunts him down like my creditors when he doesn't send the check. I did like how Damon breaks down when he's leaving Vince messages. I could also believe that this isn't far from the truth about how philanthropy is actually done in Hollywood, a bunch of ego-tastic celebrities who are used to getting what they want coupled with a sincere desire to look better than everyone else on the planet should make for some interesting conversations and temper tantrums.
Ari was primed to buy out Terrence, but at the meeting he found out that he had changed the contract so as to keep the Terrence name on it for the duration of the company's existence. The lawyers were convinced that no idiot would want to change the name of such an important company and brand, but obviously they hadn't met Ari. Ari's the type of guy that if he could would buy Coca-Cola and change the name to 'Ari Gold's Carbonated Syrup Based Beverage Concoction' and expect to sell the sh*t out of it.
Anyway, after throwing a world class tantrum at the meeting, Ari goes back to his office where he is followed by Terrence, who later apologizes for pushing him out. The two shake hands, Ari actually smiles, and they agree that the deal is back on. Ari buys the company, and begins to "cut the fat" by running in there Terminator-style with a paintbull gun, giving the fired people not a pink slip, but a yellow suit. I did enjoy how he stood in the middle of a building he just bought and began shooting his paintball gun in the air like he was Tony Montana. I would think that the janitors would have taken this as a sign and just quit on the spot after they found the mess on the ceiling.
Lloyd had been hiding from Ari whenever he would make visits to Terrence's agency. When "Columbine" was happening, Ari told him that he had by the end of the day to see him at his office. Lloyd does, tells Ari to go fuck himself and is in turn offered a job as an agent. I told that to my boss this morning expecting a raise, but instead I just have extra time to write this article a lot of extra time. So Ari forgave Terrence for what he did and at the same time realized he was doing the same thing to Lloyd and in turn forgave him. I think Ari did a lot of growing this year, and it made me die a little inside.
Drama had it set in his mind that he was taking an extended break from acting, despite being hounded by the studio and Lloyd to convince him to do otherwise. He ends up reading for the "Melrose 2009" role and killed it, but was then told that he was in fact too old and the studio passed on him. However, they were so impressed with his performance that they began development of a show specifically for Drama and they are going to pay him to sit on his ass until they finish it.
Turtle took a quick turn by actually going over to UCLA girl's dorm despite being heartbroken by Jamie. He tells the guys he's been slamming on that, but in reality he goes over there to spill his guts out to UCLA girl and making her labia shrivel with talk of Jamie. He ends up bailing on her, but offers a "pity eat-out" as a consolation prize. He boards a plane to New Zealand to see Jamie, and finally gets her on the phone where she tells him to definitely not come. He accepts it, but not in time to de-board the plane, and now he has to sit through a 14-hour flight between two of the fattest women in creation. It's okay though, because after that he has another flight from New Zealand to Rome to hook up with the boys.
E said he was done with the dating scene and that he wants Sloan back, and if she doesn't want him back, then 'tough shit'. He drives her out to the beach and makes her cancel plans with her boyfriend, then drops the bomb on her that he wants to get back together. Sloan does the classic 'take me home' that I've heard far too many times in my own life. E takes her back but they are fighting on the way and he pulls over so he can concentrate more on fighting and less on driving. Sloan thinks he won't be able to commit, and you know the one thing that will shut her up? How bout a diamond ring? How's that for lack of commitment, huh bitch? Oh wait, I love you, I shouldn't be calling you a bitch. Anyway, E obviously spit some mad game for getting a smoking hot chick like Sloan to agree to marry you when she has a boyfriend and hasn't been with you for three years. If E wrote a book on picking up women, I would definitely read it, especially if it was 70% pictures of Sloan.
So Ari gets his business, Lloyd gets his dream, E gets his girl, Drama gets his job, Vince starts his movie, and Turtle? Well he gets to vacation in Italy and then return to a slammin' coed who wants his junk. I said before this probably isn't the storybook ending you'd want to read to your kids.
Next season I'm sure we'll be see the fruits of Vince's labors, the development of E and Sloan's marriage, Drama's new show, Turtle going to school and starting his Lim-Hos service, and the wacky adventures of Lloyd, gay agent.
It's been a pleasure writing this column over this season and I appreciate those of you who beared through it with me by actually reading it.
Thanks for reading!
Closing Credit Song: "In My Lifetime Remix" by Jay-Z.