Adam Ruins Everything
Jake and Amir
The Morning After Nip/Tuck: Don Hoberman
October 15, 2009
Apparently all that happened previously: on
was that Christian got married to Liz and then didn't have cancer anymore. So if you've never seen this show before, congratulations you have zero catching up to do.
The show opens in the 1980s, where an old lady's voice explains to us that when we were all born, the world was a gaudy, wealthy place full of people who had nothing better to spend their money on than cocaine, hairspray, and plastic surgery. Sean and Christian rode this wave of dollar bills, the old lady's voice tells us, until earlier this fiscal year, when the financial crisis that had been building for about a decade finally broke our boys' breast-ehnahncement-enhanced bank accounts.
The old lady's voice continues: Sean and Christian are poor(ish), business is slow, and the blonde Teddy we'd all come to know and love has been replaced by Rose McGowan. Is this lady's voice going to keep narrating the whole season? Is this a new thing? Did Ryan Murphy watch
for the first time five months ago and think, "Holy shit, that's the ticket!"? I only watched the first episode of Glee, but from what I recall, he employed voiceovers to a degree, but it was the fist episode, and some expository voiceovering was helpful And I guess all of this voiceovering is expository, too, but this is not a new series. It sounds stupid.
Anyway, since he's poor now, Sean argues on the phone with Julia about how many karate lessons Lobster Hands get to take (I bet he can already clobber, like, 12' of cement blocks with those claws) and conspicuously gulps when Teddy ROoSEvelt picks out and implies that he should finance the purchase of a $1.25k pair of earrings. I'm not saying that I'm predisposed to hating Teddy Rose, but Old Teddy never would have pulled a stunt like that. She would have pulled a stunt like jumping a motorcycle over a row of burning school buses while wearing a leather straightjacket.
Elsewhere in space and time, Christian gropes Italian models and buys a boat. At first I figured that the lira must be doing really badly, but in hindsight I think that all of that happened on his honeymoon, four days before they realized that the economy was in the pooper. He tells Liz that he doesn't want to stay married, but
want to stay friends! ;) And she tells him that she wants him to diaf.
As usual, Kimber has giant sunglasses but tiny self-esteem. The old lady's voice tells us that Kimber was recently struck not only in the face with someone's dong, but also with the realization that old whores are not marketable (until, apparently, they are very old, at which point they can narrate television shows). In order to provide [animal-skin dress suits] for herself and her child, Kimber has learned to perform electrolysis. Alas, she has not yet magically acquired millions of dollars simply for having learned a skil, and she needs a job, so she proposes to Sean and Christian that they employ her in their office. Although Kimber was due to ask them for a retarded favor, the gentlemen respectfully decline her offer, citing their red bank accounts and various and demanding other lady friends. I don't remember exactly how Kimber made her exit, but I assume it involved huffing, putting her sunglasses back on vexedly, and stomping out of the office while making empty, vengeful threats under her breath.
While commiserating about how poor they are in the office kitchen, Christian swoops into the fridge for a yogurt only to find himself face-to-face with a generic brand! Sean reiterates that they have to cut back everywhere, and Christian feyly whines, "I want my Yoplait!" and Sean's like, "How about a refreshing
Later, Sean is going over bills with Matt, who continues to suck at every possible facet of life except spending Sean's money. I remember when I used to have these same sit-downs with my dad. He'd be all, "What are you buying for $12.28 at a Chevron?" and I'd be like, "Twelve packs of gum," and he'd be like, "That's just wasteful," and I'd be like, "
! I was buying gasoline," and he'd be all, "Gets me every time. But seriously, stop spending my money." It's a little different for Matt and Sean, though, because Sean's like, "What did you buy for $450 at this men's clothing store?" and Matt's like, "A new suit," and Sean's like, "Oh, okay," and Matt's like, "
! It's not a men's clothing store, it's a mime, and I spent the money for tickets to a seminar that he's giving. It's a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity. I'm going to be a mime," and I'm all, "
." I forgot that Matt's new goal is to become an actor, which I guess is now being amended to "silent actor." "Wearing face paint." "With no prospects of ever making more than $3.80 per day." Sean looks about as excited about this as Hank Hill did when Bobby did the exact same thing.
Newman is Christian's legal counsel in the suit of Troy v. Troy. Liz wants half of everything Christian owns, and she figures this should be pretty easy to do, since 1) she hired a blind, somehow indomitable lawyer and 2) Christian put everything except his boat in her name because he thought he was going to die. She acts generally cunty throughout the scene, but it's a little bit too brash, like she has to prove to herself as well as Christian how badly she wants to make him suffer. He tries to fire her, but can't until the case is closed, so instead he runs away with Sean to his boat.
Which the bank has seized. Christian tries to get Sean to front him for a few months of rent on the house, but Sean says he's moving in with Teddy soon, because her earring cost more than their house anyway. Just when nothing seems to be going their way, Dr. Mario Lopez appears, and the old lady's voice pulls her weight for once by introducing him with a flashback to the nude shower scene from a couple years ago. She calls it "homoerotic," but I would argue that no one alive could resist Mario Lopez naked in a shower. In keeping with his general young, rich, awesomeness, Dr. Mario Lopez invites Sean and Christian to join him for some gratuitous "I'm On a Boat" seafaring.
While on his boat, which is way longer than Christian's boat, Dr. Mario Lopez tells Sean and Christian that he still never eats, but he does work like a gypsy surgeon by not keeping an office. Instead, he pays other offices 10% of his profits to let him use their surgery space. Sean and Christian obviously agree to let him pay them 10% of his profits for use of their space. Sean's eyes light up with dollar signs, Christian's wth Yoplait logos.
A lady who was on at the beginning of the show is getting a tummy tuck. Due to various plights that he'll complain about in a couple of seconds, Sean isn't on top of his game, and leaves a piece of surgery equiptment under her skin. When everyone else in the office tells him to get it together, he's all, "I have insomnia! Plus I'm poor! Plus it's Connor's birthday, and I'm not even going to get to watch him snip off the tops of the candles with his little lobster hands!" Teddy Rose feels bad for him, so she offers him a prescription for sleeping pills. Sean expressed wariness about taking pills, since the last time he took a pill (three years ago), he had to go to the hospital for an ecstacy overdose. Teddy Rose is like, "Listen, maybe Old Teddy would have drugged you, because she was awesome, but I'm brunette. I'm not like Eden at all." She also suggest that they go to a bed & breakfast. I swear to god, Teddy Rose is secretly Bridget Jones or some shit.
The next time Sean and Christian enter their office, Dr. Mario Lopez and his 48,000 clients have taken over. He has transformed the kitchen into a gym, where he is exercising his rippling muscles when Sean and Christian find him. By sitting in on a consult, they learn that he specializes in vaginal reconstruction. They decide that this sounds like a pretty good cash cow, so they head for the gym to try to get sexy so they can compete with sexy, sexy Dr. Mario Lopez, who, meanwhile, has removed his shirt and is preparing to consult with his client's vagina, if you know what I mean (3rd base).
An indeterminate amount of time later, Sean and Christian watch their new commercial on its late night spot. They, too, plan to specialize in vaginal reconstruction, and Kimber (official queen of gaping female genitals, I guess) stars as their satisfied client. (Not satisfied in a Dr. Mario Lopez way, probably, but satisfied in that she is content with the results of her surgery. Even after a vaginal reconstruction, nothing short of 14" could satisfy her.) There's a lot of beach volleyball and male bikini bottoms and general 1980s-era good times, including an three-way freeze frame jumping high five at the end of the commercial. Sean and Christian high five outside of the commercial, which is probably the same thing they do every time they finishing watching the video of them taking turns putting their dicks in that one chick at the surgery convention a few years ago.
Over at Liz & Christian's house, Wilbur is about five years old by now but still talks like he's three, so that kid is tragically probably part retarded or something. Liz hates Christian way a lot, but he convinces her to drink some 70-year-old wine and talk with him about what a terrible person he is. This involves Liz making a very detailed toilet paper simile, and something Christian says (probably assholic) impels her to pour the bottle of wine over his head, storm off, and threaten to rename his boat "the Lesboat." Why do homosexuals love puns so much?
A guy comes into the office watching abdominal etching, that he may more closely resemble Dr. Mario Lopez in the commercial. Like I said, no one is immune to his charms.
At the park, Matt is in full mime mode. He pretends to be doing things, or whatever mimes do, when his cassette player goes berserk. The crowd disperses, and a lone fat child remains. Matt pulls a gun on the fat kid, offering to end his miserable, obese existence before the diabetes does, but when he pulls the trigger, flowers pop out of the barrel. The fat child offers Matt a dollar for sparing his life, and as Matt is gayly flourishing his beret as a money receptacle, a hooligan on a skateboard zips past and snatches the dollar from the fat child's hand. Matt pursues the hooligan and eventually beats him up well enough to get his dollar back, only to realize that the fat child stole his cassette player while he was distracted. Classic tricking-a-mime-to-steal-his-antiquated-music-player routine! Matt mimes crying, kicking a small dog.
As he trudges towards a coffee shop, Matt listens to a message from his roommate saying that he will have to pay rent unless he wants to sleep on the beach that night. Before he can work out a poignant routine of pretending to tuck himself into bed, Matt enters the coffee shop and orders. Through miming. The barrista is naturally unamused, but makes him the coffee and tells him that he owes a dollar and change. Matt produces the dollar, then makes ridiculous turning-pockets-inside-out-and-inadvertantly-releasing-moths gesture, which amuses the barrista even less. They get into a tug of war over the coffee, the styrofoam cup breaks, and Matt pulls his fake gun on her. Because she does not know that it is a fake gun, the barrista frantically empties the register into a bag and gives it to Matt, who can now pay rent. In her report to the police, the barrista will describe the robber as "either Michael Jackson or the guy from a few years ago who was going around raping people and carving smiles into their faces." Regardless of the gayness of his disguise, it would be pretty cool if Matt turned into a costumed petty criminal. Not cool of Matt, since he sucks, but cool for the series. Plus, if the cops ever found out who he was, they'd be all, "Well, he's robbed several local businesses of a total of $3,500. In his lifetime, this young man has had sex with a transgendered woman, his sister, a full-body burn victim, and a woman both his fathers banged; he's had to cut off a man's penis, dive into a pool to avoid being burned alive in a meth lab explosion, almost do gay porn to feed his baby, and live with this awful face. I think he deserves the money. Let's let him do this three, maybe four more times."
Christian visits Liz's blind lawyer to bribe him into convincing Liz to drop the case. Christian offers him a lot of money, but the blind lawyer says that Christian has to jerk off in front of him, and he has to describe it (because the lawyer is blind), and then maybe he'll consider taking a bribe. Christian goes as far as dropping his pants, but doesn't go all the way through with the actual hand job, despite the fact that he jumps at any opportuniy to dangle his penis in someone's face.
In surgery for the ab etching guy, Christian and Liz bicker over how much they hate each other, just like old times. Dr. Mario Lopez walks into the room and shows everyone his abs. They're pushing it, but so far the number of times Dr. Mario Lopez has exposed his torso on this show has not reached a gratuitous level. Sean hates having to listen to Liz and Christian fight.
But he loves listening to Teddy Rose talk about salad! She apologizes for wanting to spend so much money when he's so obviously poor, and says that she wants to get married. This girl not only looks completely different from Old Teddy, but she also acts differently. They've written the character a little differently, or maybe it's just the way she delivers the lines, but it's not a smooth transition. This is not a soap opera or
; characters shouldn't be played by different actors, but if they were going to change anybody out,
why not Matt?
Anyway, I'm like 99% sure Teddy is going to kill Sean, because she proposes to him and also beause near the end of last season, she murdered that one doctor to whom she had recently been married. Black widow!
Apparently the old lady whose voice has been narrating this episode lives in the TV and is the fashion designer from
Sean wakes up in the middle of the night and takes the sleeping pills Teddy gave him. He also notices that he's wearing a wedding ring. Later, Teddy tries to wake him up, and he appears to be dead. Heartbroken, Teddy is all, "Eyes, look your last! Arms, take your last embrace! and, lips, O you the doors of breath, seal with a righteous kiss a dateless bargain to engrossing death!" and drinks poison. Somehow I bet Sean is just sleeping.
This season on Nip/Tuck, apparently Christian will make a dildo out of his penis, Matt will continue to be ugly, and other things! Stay tuned!
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