First of all, sorry about the unreadable unarticle last week, guys. Secondly, how psyched is everyone for Halloween? Nip/Tuck seems to be pretty excited, because almost every character tonight puts on some kind of costume (many in a single montage).
The titular character shows up to the office for a consult, during which she tries to convince Christian and Dr. Mario Lopez (Sean being away doing something foolish, no doubt) to use leeches during her recovery. (And I know I said this a couple of weeks ago about the narrator's looks when she appeared on the TV, but it's too apt not to point out: Briggite Reinhart sounds just like the fashion designer from The Incredibles. Don't be surprised if Sean gets called away to a remote island on a "business trip.") Christian scoffs at the idea, but Dr. Mario Lopez is more open to it because, as we later learn, he is distracted by lady troubles. Specifically, he is having trouble with one lady, and that lady is Kimber, and the trouble is that she is still in love with Christian. Dr. Mario Lopez confides in his colleague Christian replies by boldly inviting anyone who's not in love with him to cast the first stone that he is in love with Kimber, and therein lies the problem. At first I'm like, "Why would anyone fall in love with Kimber?" Before I can formulate my own ridicilous theories, however, Dr. Mario Lopez answers my question: "She's so open."
It seems, unfortunately, that although Kimber had at first been enthusiastic about their sex life, she has lately grown distant and frigid. Dr. Mario Lopez asks Christian what might be wrong, and in the most extreme case ever recorded of the darkest pot calling the lightest kettle black, Christian surmises that Dr. Mario Lopez must have put on a few pounds. He gallantly offers to talk to Kimber (the words he uses are "lube up," because he is positively brimming with class) while ol' MLMD works on sculpting his epic delts.
After the opening credits (I know, right, like how long is this going to be? twss), Sean and Teddy skip-slash-kiss into the office and announce that they eloped two days earlier. Nurse Linda looks about ready to smack a bitch (I guess for not asking her to be their witness? I'm kidding; it's because everyone hates Teddy except Sean), and Christian thinks they're joking, primarily because Sean just broke up with and fired Teddy Rose, like, four days ago. Sean explains that, yeah, that happened, but then they missed each other (what.), so they tried to have a "let's be friends" dinner (because they live in a romantic comedy, I guess), one thing led to another, yadda yadda yadda, that's what you get for waking up in Vegas. Everyone accepts this on the grounds that Sean and his paramours always have been, and will likely continue to be, crazy.
A European-looking, Mexican-sounding man named Hans is in the office as well, by request of Mrs. Reinhart, to give a presentation on his leeches. It's a pretty routine talk until Teddy Rose ominously asks how much blood leeches can drink, and Hans replies something that she clearly interprets as, "Enough to kill a person, for sure." Nearby, Christian admonishes Sean for getting married without a pre-nup. Sean's like, "One, I'm destitute, so it doesn't matter anyway; two, I got married because I'm in love, not because I'm dying, you tard. She's not Liz and I'm not you." Christian checks the cast list and is forced to concur.
While Kimber jogs in a park and listens to totally gay workout music, Christian jog-sidles up to her to mine for information about her relationship with MLMD. Kimber explains that nothing is wrong with MLMD yet, and she's holding out on him because if they keep having sex, he will inevitably reveal himself to enjoy peeing on her, listening to Nickelback while she performs skateboard tricks, dressing like the Carver and raping her with the dildo of his penis, whatever. Trying any of those things and, she seems sure, anything else he might possibly do would make MLMD an asshole, and she doesn't want him to be an asshole, so she's withholding sex. That is some stupid woman logic at work, right there. Only a woman would withhold sex, but guys do similarly stupid things because they don't want their shiny new significant others to lose their lusters. People aren't perfect, but a lot of them are pretty cool. It's better to be happy with a really cool one and remember that you aren't perfect either, no matter how much plastic surgery you've had or how voluminous your hair is.
Anyway, Kimber and MLMD got tattoos of each other's faces on their biceps, so it's especially awesome of her to be withholding sex. I guess since Julia's not around, every other female character has to act thrice as cunty to make up for it.
Sean and Teddy Rose have dinner with Annie, who appears to be a total Twilight fan now: truckloads of dark eyeliner, black velour hat ca. 1995, perennial sourpuss. Concordant with my Julia-Cuntiness Ratio Theorem, Annie acts like an insufferable cunt until she excuses herself to go to the bathroom, probably to vomit or unnecessarily insert a tampon. While she's gone, Sean apologizes to his new bride about her petulant stepdaughter, and Teddy Rose cackles and chalks Annie's behavior up to the fact that she's thirteen and ugly. They both have a hearty laugh over the obvious (per Chase Mitchell) Alex Mack phase that Annie's going through, and Sean says, "Compared to her, Matt was a breeze!" which probably only means that he can't get away with punching Annie in the face or having sex with her love interests. Yet.
Teddy enters surgery and the music is crazy, so it's a safe bet that she's going to murder someone. Mrs. Reinhart recognizes Teddy as Dixie, the poor widow of her late urgeon in Vegas. It's especially ironic because Rose McGowan looks nothing like old Teddy, who is the one we actually saw play Dixie. Oh continuity. Although I did find out last night that the reason they recast the character was becuase the actress who played old Teddy had thyroid cancer (or still has?). So that sucks.
In her room, Annie looks at an old picture of herself and Sean, then looks in the mirror at herself and pretends to blink back tears but it's the actress pretending, not the character pretending, so FAIL. She should take some miming lessons from Matt. Sean finds Annie laying melodramatically on her bed and tries to wrestle her hat away from her, but she really doesn't want him to take it. What Sean doesn't realize is that Annie's hat is the only thing keeping her head attached to her body. J/k, but when he does eventually get the hat off of her, what lies beneath is far more gross looking: Annie's scalp is all exposed and scabbed because she's apparently been pulling her hair out when she gets nervous, which, by the looks of it, is all the time. She threatens to never speak to Sean again if he tells Julia, but as far as I'm concerned, that wouldn't be any huge loss.
At the office, Sean attaches a leech to his finger to see if it will suck out all the sadness. Christian shows up to re-gift wedding presents. He tells Sean that Kimber and MLMD are dating, and Sean actually says the words, "We all know you and Kimber were made for each other." He goes on to substantiate it, but still: really? Why? They are both horrible people, and they make a horrible couple. Plus that's a ridiculous thing for anyone who's not a twelve-year-old girl to say. Christian thinks he could do better, but Sean thinks that Kimber is the only woman who would actually stay with Christian ("who's not Liz" is implied). Sean thinks Kimber and Christian are the male and female versions of one another, which is really not a good reason to stay together.
Steve O'Brien, a transvestite, is consulting with Sean and Christian about getting himself a more feminine face. Steve's feminine name is Modesty, becuase he cross-dresses as a pilgrim, I guess. Anyway, rather than alter his actual face, which he likes, Steve wants the doctors to make him a femine mask he can wear when he goes out so no one from his work life will recognize him. Sean and Christian are like, "WTF? We are doctors, not costume designers. You can't just barge in here demanding that we make you a female version of yourself. This is not Mary Shelly's Frankenstein." Obviously they still make it, though.
When Dr. Mario Lopez asks Christian what Kimber said, Christian jealously and sinisterly leads MLMD astray by advising him to do something really kinky which, as we the audience well know, is the opposite of what Kimber wants! That dastard! Specifically, he tells MLMD that Kimber loves it when guys dress in lingerie. He gives his young friend the name of a ladies-underclothes-for-men store that he just got from Steve, and wrings his hands gleefully because his villainous plan is set in motion.
Matt tries to impress Annie with balloon tricks. As much as the writers seem to hate Matt, his scenes always have great music, so someone on the show must like him (probably the music director). Annie pops the balloon with the daggers shooting from her eyes and throws herself onto the bed. Matt mimes opening the lid of an imaginary box that surrounds Annie and leaning his head in, and says, "Fine. Stay in your box of brattiness." I don't know mimery is no meth, but it's farily amusing. Annie pouts, obviously.
In the kitchen, Matt bitches about how much of a bitch Annie is, and Sean fathers that Matt shouldn't call his sister a bitch, no matter how much she's acting exactly like one. Just as Matt's about to take off to go do something cooler than hanging out with his dad, Sean calls Annie to lunch. She, however, has other plans. They mostly involve lying in the fetal position on her floor and cluthing her stomach. Matt's like, "You think it's appendicitis?" and Sean's like, "If you had stayed in medical school for more than three minutes, you'd know that it's probably an infection, Tartouf," and Chase is like, "It's from being cooped up in that box!" My guess is mercury poisoning.
At the hospital, the doctor tells Sean that Annie has Rapunzel Syndrome, a condition that results from a giant ball of hair building up in her intestines because she's been eating her hair. The doctor tries to schedule a surgery to get the hairball out, and Sean's like, "That won't be necessary. I have a table of my own," and whisks Annie away to the office despite the fact that the last time she was on that table, things went less that swimmingly for everyone involved.
Sean gets the hairball out of Annie's digestive tract. It's about the size of a softball. Sean thinks it's his fault that Annie went crazy, because parents like to blame themselves when their kids do weird things for some reason, and Teddy Rose is like, "You'll all be dead soon anyway."
Christian and MLMD are at the lingerie store for transvestites, because now that he doesn't have cancer anymore, Christian's MO is getting into hijinks. Dr. Mario Lopez looks better in regular clothes than he looks in lingerie, but he looks a lot better in lingerie than Christian would.
Mrs. Reinhart is in recovery, talking to Liz and Nurse Linda about Dixie and asking for more leeches. Hans brings more in, and Teddy stands in the doorway like she just did something evil. If Teddy was a person I knew in real life, I would make that Drowning Pool "Bodies" song her ringtone.
In the aforementioned get-a-new-face montage, MLMD puts on make-up to impress Kimber while Steve gets a mold made of his face, Matt puts on mime make-up and stares into the camera like a total weirdo, and Teddy Rose tosses some wigs into a duffle bag. She goes to the office and takes Steve's mask (obviously), which she wears (with a wig) while putting more leeches on Mrs. Reinhart, who has no idea what is going on and is probably way freaked out. Teddy also pushes some medicine into the IV that Mrs. Reinhart wasn't supposed to take in comination with the leeches, and stands there being all creepy while they suck all Mrs. Reinhart's blood out. That's a pretty good murder, I guess.
In the morning, the coroner has determined that she died from desanguination. Sean asks for a full toxicology report. MLMD tells Christian that his advice worked perfectly and that Kimber loved his transvestments, and there's some Flashback! of them kissing or whatever. He got a box of transvestite clothes from the internet because, he alleges, Kimber is so into it that he's going to start dressing like a lady all the time. He does not tell Christian that Kimber told him that Christian never dressed up (and she admires Dr. Mario Lopez for having the balls to tuck his balls, it seems), so now Christian thinks this is the ticket to getting Kimber back, which MLMD knows, and he leaves Christian alone with the box of transvestite lingerie to do something he'll later regret.
At home, Sean tells Teddy Rose that he's doubled his life insurance policy, which obviously makes her smile with wicked glee. He also tells her, however, that most of his money will go to Connor and Annie (since Matt already squandered his inheritance on Scientology); Teddy immediately plans to kill the children, and suggests that Annie stay with them while she gets well enough to go back to New York. Sean kisses her because he doesn't realize how much murder she's going to commit.
Meanwhile, Steve had put on his mask and is talking to his wife and Liz, and even though we don't get to see it from the front, the sound of his voice while he's wearing it is super duper creepy.
There's been a serial killer on Nip/Tuck every season for the past, like, four years (especially if you cound cancer, which I do), so I'm not that excited about Teddy. She's an important mechanism in the show's dynamic, I suppose, but I would have been more excited about the killer if it was Matt in mime make-up, for sure. Perhaps she, he, and Steve can all wear disguises and hit the town together, committing murder, robbing cafes, and singing karaoke to Diana Ross songs, respectively.
Next time: A lady punches Christian in the face with her boob so hard that it breaks his neck. What.