Let me clarify a few things up front; Yelling, screaming, cursing, whatever – this is not fighting. This is arguing. Fighting is kicking and punching and throwing things and generally trying to put someone in a hospital. When I fight with someone, I do not try to kill them. That is called murder, and is a different article. This article is about fighting. And specifically, about fighting women… Or as I like to call them; MY OPPONENTS.

I do not like fighting with women. I don't like fighting at all, actually. Part of the reason why I don't like fighting is because I'm lazy and am fine with compromising my morals at a moment's notice. Someone cuts me off in traffic? Go ahead. Someone spits in my face? Probably good for my pores. Someone calls me "Peanut Butter & Belly" because I'm fat? I cry and tell my father to stop drinking, it's tearing our family apart.

None of the above will make me raise my fists. However, sometimes fighting is unavoidable. And when you get into a fight with a woman (and face it fellas, it's gonna happen eventually), you need to be prepared… Because those bitches will take you out like a bag of old trash.

Things to watch out for

NAILS – Most women will start off by trying to come at you and scratch your eyes out. This is why they care about their nails so much. A woman cares for her nails the way a gun nut is always polishing his guns – because they are weapons that can hurt you. This is why, before the fight starts, you need to be wearing some kind of eye protection. I like ski goggles, but have used sunglasses in a pinch. But what if she keeps her nails short? Well my friend, you have a slightly bigger problem then, because

SHE'S A BITER – That's right; she likes to bite. This can be dangerous, because chicks who bite also have the advantage of being batshit crazy. You're gonna want some thick gloves (leather is harder to bite through), and make sure to practice your footwook – remember, a biter is the most dangerous at close range, so if you can dance around enough her jaw might get tired and she'll stop snapping at you. But if she actually stops trying to bite you, remember that

SHE CAN ALWAYS THROW SOMETHING – During my fights with women, I've had a ton of stuff thrown at me; beer bottles, tissue boxes (it was a rough breakup), shoes, pillows, a pair of scissors, clothes, hairspray, pens, CDs, a cellphone, and various other stuff. The most dangerous (in my opinion) was when my ex threw a picture frame at my head – it flew through the air like a giant glass throwing star and smashed into the wall near my head. That wasn't cool. There's really no defense for stuff that she throws at you, because there's no end to the stuff that she can throw at you. Just try not to get into any physical altercations with chicks who can throw real good. It's the sole reason why I haven't allowed myself to try and fuck Jenna Fischer yet. If she's mad enough to throw something at you, then WHO KNOWS what else she'll do? That's why my motto when fighting with women is

THE BEST DEFENSE IS A GOOD OFFENSE – I'm not all about "hitting girls", but life is long and tempers are short. There are times where you might need to strike a female with your fist. Times such as; your life is in danger because are being attacked by a crazy bitch; she won't let you sleep with her hot friend; the dinner she made you from scratch has mushrooms in it – you know, extreme measures. In desperate times like these, your main offensive tactic should be to try and

PUNCH HER IN THE FACE AS HARD AS YOU CAN – Really, this will help you in any fight, but especially so with a woman because most women are weak and a good five finger face tapper will have an even greater result. However, sometimes (especially if she works at a school or she's a biter) you don't want to go full on into the face. No problem. Instead, might I suggest

PUNCHING HER IN THE STOMACH WITH ALL YOUR MIGHT – it's not as good as the face, and you won't get as cool of a "CRACK!" as you would if you hit her in the jaw, but a punch in the stomach will at least knock the wind out of her for a good two or three minutes; two or three minutes that you won't have to listen to her scream at you about how she doesn't want to have a threeway with you and her best friend. SILENCE IS GOLDEN, PEOPLE. AM I RIGHT?!! Giving a lady a good punch in the stomach is satisfying, and has very few drawbacks. Unless, of course, she's pregnant… in which case you should

KICK HER IN THE STOMACH WITH THE FORCE OF TEN HIROSHIMAS – And take care of that little bugger with a homemade abortion straight out of a bad gangster movie! If you're weak and she's still conscious, she'll probably be wheezing something her unborn baby or how she's going to call the police. IMPORTANT NOTE: If she manages to call the cops before falling unconscious, then my only real advice would be to

RUN, RUN LIKE THE WIND AND YOU A LEAF UPON IT – I would go to Mexico, my woman battering friend. If that's too far for you to get to quickly (assume the fuzz will descend on you within 48 hours), then try the upper regions of Canada; it's a big cold country and they can't search it all. If you're smart they'll never find you.