The crowd begins tapping their glasses with their forks.  The Best Man stands up and takes the microphone.  He raises one leg and rests his foot on a chair.  He slings his jacket over his opposite shoulder, leans forward on his knee and begins his speech.

Best Man:  Clinton Reed is a disgusting anal rapist who only Katie could love for only God knows why.


(The crowd is completely silent)


Best Man:  Those are some words you'll never hear come out of my mouth.


(Light laughter scattered throughout the room)


Best man:  Seriously though, I met Clint in college.  It was a great time.  And like most of us (pointing to the bride), when I first met him I thought he was an asshole. 


(More light laughter) 


Best Man:  But then I hung out with him a few times and realized…I was right.  He was a dick. 


(Groom buries his forehead in his hand and turns to his wife)


Groom:  Is he drunk?


Best Man:  But I loved him.  He was my best friend.  A brother even.  I can't believe this day is actually here.


(He begins tearing up a bit)


Best man:  I mean, I gave up on myself a while ago.  And he…you were just single for so long I thought we'd grow old and die together.  Just like the two amigos.


Guest:  There were three amigos!


Best man:  (Stands up) Hey!  I'm trying to make a goddamn speech here!


Best man:  I guess what I'm trying to say is…I'm lonely Clint.  I never told anyone this but I donated sperm about 7 years ago.  (Begins weeping)  It was just for book money but now every time I hear the doorbell ring, I just pray that it's one of those illegitimate sperm babies coming to find me.


(He sits in his seat)


Best man:  Not that they'd be impressed anyway.  Look at me Clint!  I'm a 26 year old out of work "writer" who still lives with his parents.  And now you have to put me though all this?!


(Stands up again)


Best Man:  Well fuck you!  I dropped 1000 bucks at your bachelor party!  I don't have that kind of money!  These aren't even my own socks!


(Other groomsmen rush him, take the mic and begin dragging him towards the door)


Best man:  I want my socks Clint!  You owe me my socks!


(The crowd is awkwardly silent)


DJ:  Well on that note, let's get all the single ladies to the dance floor.  (Single Ladies by Beyonce starts playing)