The crowd begins tapping their glasses with their forks. The Best Man stands up and takes the microphone. He raises one leg and rests his foot on a chair. He slings his jacket over his opposite shoulder, leans forward on his knee and begins his speech.
Best Man: Clinton Reed is a disgusting anal rapist who only Katie could love for only God knows why.
(The crowd is completely silent)
Best Man: Those are some words you'll never hear come out of my mouth.
(Light laughter scattered throughout the room)
Best man: Seriously though, I met Clint in college. It was a great time. And like most of us (pointing to the bride), when I first met him I thought he was an asshole.
(More light laughter)
Best Man: But then I hung out with him a few times and realized I was right. He was a dick.
(Groom buries his forehead in his hand and turns to his wife)
Groom: Is he drunk?
Best Man: But I loved him. He was my best friend. A brother even. I can't believe this day is actually here.
(He begins tearing up a bit)
Best man: I mean, I gave up on myself a while ago. And he you were just single for so long I thought we'd grow old and die together. Just like the two amigos.
Guest: There were three amigos!
Best man: (Stands up) Hey! I'm trying to make a goddamn speech here!
Best man: I guess what I'm trying to say is I'm lonely Clint. I never told anyone this but I donated sperm about 7 years ago. (Begins weeping) It was just for book money but now every time I hear the doorbell ring, I just pray that it's one of those illegitimate sperm babies coming to find me.
(He sits in his seat)
Best man: Not that they'd be impressed anyway. Look at me Clint! I'm a 26 year old out of work "writer" who still lives with his parents. And now you have to put me though all this?!
(Stands up again)
Best Man: Well fuck you! I dropped 1000 bucks at your bachelor party! I don't have that kind of money! These aren't even my own socks!
(Other groomsmen rush him, take the mic and begin dragging him towards the door)
Best man: I want my socks Clint! You owe me my socks!
(The crowd is awkwardly silent)
DJ: Well on that note, let's get all the single ladies to the dance floor. (Single Ladies by Beyonce starts playing)