As we all know, Tiger Eldorado Woods was recently involved in a domestic dispute that resulted with him driving his Escalade into a hydrant at the end of his driveway. No judgment. Shit happens and I don't want to speculate about what really went down. Afterall, Tiger is a human being, not a wild animal (despite his name). Just today, Le Tigre released to the press a heavily guarded pseudo admission of guilt. But what does his admission admit? Nothing. Nothing at all. To figure out exactly what he was confessing to, I ran his admission transcript through my homemade PR-TALKTRANSLATOR2000. And this is what it spit out:
What Tiger said: "I have let my family down and I regret those transgressions with all of my heart".
Translation: "Ahh, my idiot wife found out about all those beejers. SHITSTORM AHEAD!!"
What Tiger said: "I am not without faults and I am far short of perfect"
Translation: "When I don't get the Green Jacket, I get soooo pissed".
What Tiger Said: "I am dealing with my behavior and personal failings behind closed doors with my family".
Translation: "I am quitting golf for a couple weeks to get in touch with my inner Jerry Garcia. I'm talking mad weed seshes with Jeets and Federer! We're sealing the garage and hot-boxing that shit up".
What Tiger Said: "Elin has always done more to support our family and shown more grace than anyone could possibly expect".
Translation: "Still can't believe I yelled I love xbox' during lovemaking".
What Tiger Said: "I will strive to be a better person and the husband and father that my family deserves".
Translation: "To any girl I haven't called back recently, be P.A.T.I.E.N.T. Once this blows over, I am reopening the hot-tub. El Tigero does not disappoint".
If this offends you, you have no one but Tiger to blame. After all, the PR-TALKTRANSLATOR2000 cannot tell a lie. Fact.