Around this time of year, a bunch of sad, sentimental saps start desperately looking for a girlfriend to spend the holidays with. People start scouring their neighborhoods for potential hand-holders, cuddle-buddies, and oh-my-god-a-mistletoe partners. Know what I think? Pussies! Real men don't need girlfriends. Seriously. Not at all. Not even a little bit. I mean, unless you're reading this and are some cute girl…because um. Ya. I'm free Fridays.

Honestly, though, why would we need girlfriends just because it's winter? Sure, I'm malnourished because its raining and I haven't gotten groceries, and yes, it is freezing in my room, and no, my feeble body does not produce enough body heat to warm my bed, but do you really think a girlfriend would make that big of a difference? I don't. Well, maybe a little bit, but I doubt it. Um. Ya, probably not. Ya, naw, def not.

Moreover, girlfriends are no fun. Girlfriends won't play a 100-cup game of beer pong with you on Christmas Eve. Girlfriends won't rearrange light up reindeer into sexually provocative positions. Girlfriends won't get shitfaced off of your parent's rye whiskey and cry about how lonely New York is in the winter with you. Only your bros will do that with you. Bros rule! And would I rather do these sorts of things during the holidays, or spend my time nestled next to someone with whom I have a real, genuine connection? I think the answer is pretty clear.

And probably the most obvious reason, masturbation is a blast! Like, who knows what I like better than me, right? Right?

All I know is it's flu season and my immune system is in the shits, so most importantly, I don't want a girlfriend because I just won't be able to bear having COOTIES. Ick! When I was four I believed that cooties exist, so, contrary to every piece of scientific information invalidating their existence, cooties are still a major concern in my life. Which is why I don't have a girlfriend, doi! Because I believe in a chronic disease that doesn't exist.

Fuck.

So ya, that's why having a girlfriend would be a real drag. All my single dudes no exactly what I'm talking about. Bachelorhood is the bomb. Especially during the holiday season.  Especially when you see other couples looking really happy.  Woot woot for bachelorhood.

But in case you've got like a friend or something who might be into it, I'm 5'10" and people say I'm really in touch with myself…so uh ya.

Please.