On the books as of Feb 10, 2007. 


– It shall heretofore be an illegality for any person(s) to place any children's toy that gives off light out of doors and leave it there. Also, in regards to the children's toy that is dubbed, "Lite Brite," let it be known that any image created resembling an explosive device, spelling out the name or reference to the name of an explosive device, i.e. "bomb," or "da bomb," or "dyn-o-mite," or any depiction of aliens making obscene gestures, or any representation of cartoon characters currently endorsed by Cartoon Network, or any criticism of the Boston Police Department, shall from this point forward be considered an offense warranting a misdemeanor.

– It will be illegal for any professional baseball player to pilot any sort of aircraft over New York City. Furthermore, it will be considered a felony if any aircraft piloted by a professional baseball player strikes a building. [NOTE – If the baseball player is of Arabic descent, the felony will be increased to a declaration of war on that player's country of origin.]

DETROIT, MICHIGAN – From this point on, it will be illegal for Winter to start any later than January 1st. Fifty degree weather on January 15th is ridiculous, and we're not going to stand for it. If Winter starts any later than January 1st from now on, Winter will be charged with a fine of $400,000. Also, it will be illegal for the Detroit Tigers to lose the World Series.

– The groundhog's name shall no longer be Phil – he shall be named George instead, and Punxsutawney will now be spelled "PunkyTown" Oh, and also we're switching the whole "What happens when the groundhog sees his shadow," thing. Yep, flipping it around. Fuck off, Winter. You douche.