Ever have a sh*tty job that you wanted to complain about in a weekly submission-based column named after Blink-182 lyrics? Send your submissions to worksuxiknow[at]gmail.com!
I used to lifeguard at a crummy water park in Ohio. Our main attraction was an enclosed black waterslide, called "Midnight Plunge" or "Dark Drop" or "GloomyAdjective VerbOfDownwardMotion". Whatever, it was totally dark once you got in. Anyway, a little girl comes up to the slide, and when I tell her she can go ahead, she looks at me with wide eyes and asks, "Are there bees?" Furrowing my brow, I asked her, "As in, did we take a bunch of bees, climb into the slide, and stick them in there to sting you when you go down?" She nodded her head. Nothing I said could convince her to go down the slide.
-Richard,University of Florida
Just out of college I began to work for a very well known construction firm. On the first day at the job site a fifty year old ironworker (who I was supposedly in charge of) looked me dead in the eye and explained that he was going to "bend me over the couch and f**k me". Until this day I am unsure what couch he was speaking of.
-Danny, U of A
I used to work at a gas station where a bunch of old farmer guys hung out. One particular guy would come in at least 5 times a day for coffee, never said anything, and tried to throw pennies down my shirt while I was ringing up his order. The managers thought this was hilarious and refused to say anything to him.
-Mandi, University of Oklahoma
My office was accepting job applications, and this one girl who looked to be about 17 came in and applied. About a minute after she leaves we hear a huge crash and someone trying to peel out. We run out to check and find this girl in her daddies BMW, speeding down the street, and our street wall completely torn down. Since we still had her application, we were able to get most of her information off of her app. 5 days later the girl called back asking if the position was still available and she was still being considered. We tell her to come in for an interview the next day, and when she arrived, we took all her insurance information, and filed a hit and run with the police department. She called again after another week to ask if she got the position.
I use to work for Home Depot. One day a lady came in and said she was helping her kid with his physics project. They needed to build a catapult. So she asked if we carried catapult kits! I told her, "aisle 25, with the rest of the medieval siege weapons and armor." She thanked me and walked off towards aisle 25.
I work in the meat department of a grocery store. Over the years, I've gotten some strange requests: ox tails, chicken feet, one red-neck type even asked if we could get coyote meat. The worst however was several days ago when a woman yelled and bitched at me and my department manager for 10 minutes because we don't carry and won't order in hog maws. Hog maws are pig testicles. I got screamed at because someone couldn't get their fix of pickled pig nuts.
I used to work at a video store that made a killing off of the porn section at the back of the store. During one particularly long and useless shift, a coworker of mine was scanning in returned movies to be restocked, when she came across a plastic bag with an assortment of movies. Mixed in with the Disney movies and the typical new release was a porn case COVERED in jizz. She reached into the bag and touched it before she knew what it was. She wasn't allowed to quit because her mom was the boss and told her that it's part of the job. Eff that. I quit.