"The Girlfriend Interpreter" studies the ways of the "girlfriend" as a significant other, and translates their behavior to the modern man. The result are a set of loose guidelines for young men (and women) navigating through the treacherous waters of committed relationships outside of the death trap known as marriage.

Hark! The bros in your tribe of proud, single, virile men has recently suffered a fallen comrade — one of your brood has found a mate. Upon leaving the bonded circle of free-range manhood, your friend has fallen victim to the greatest predator of all: the promise of regular boo-tay

Soon, a passage of days, weeks, months go by. Your buddy has become assimilated into "couple mode" . His Facebook status officially changed to "in a relationship." His Twitpics are all of his main squeeze. His status updates are full of cute quotes from "adorable things she says." Every text message you send is replied with "We're doing this" or "We're going to this place." But what about you? What about the bros? This isn't fair. "He's pussy-whipped", you say. "Our friendship is falling to pieces", you say! So, a guy who spends all his time with his new girlfriend is a bad thing? Only if you, as his friend, are completely selfish and insensitive.

The breakdown: The usual cause of this phenomenon is because the bro in question was not getting steady action, for quite some time. Suddenly, he finds his hands full with a new broad who fulfills his urgent needs. Needs that you, as a bro, could not (and with good reason, would not) fulfill. What's a man to do? (Note: This is not always the case; sometimes guys fall in love hard, and really are pussy-whipped. If that's the case, stop reading now, and skip to rule #23.)

Try to understand it from his point of view: Look, if a dude has a dry spell… I mean, like an extended dry spell, and he happens to find a girl who tolerates him enough to hang out with him, listen to him repeat lame jokes, fix him his favorite sammich and give him free nookie damn-near on demand, you can't be mad if he blows you off for your regular Rock Band nite at Hooters. The wireless bass with custom stickers is gonna be collecting some dust for a minute. 

My general advice: That man is exempt from ridicule and free from reprimand of his absence, for a minimum of three months. Unless he gets sick of his girlfriend first. Then you as a friend are to welcome him back with open arms, and you're free to light into him about being on a short leash. Then you can all collectively complain how the girlfriend is sucking up all your time together. It works out for everybody

The Interpreter hath spoken.

Jacob Nathaniel McCaine is a screenwriter and punch-up writer for stand-up comedians, in Los Angeles, CA.