I have blonde hair. My ex girlfriend once told me that she's really glad I'm not a "dark pube" kinda guy.
I met this girl at her apartment, she was still getting ready and I patiently waited in the living room for our first date. I needed to piss so I walked myself into the hallway washroom
lifted the toilet seat to see the biggest dump I have ever laid eyes on, just chilling in the bowl. The date went well
and I continued to date the girl for 2 years.
My girlfriend got mad at me because my best friend's girlfriend "likes" my status too often on facebook.
Over Christmas break a few years ago I went to my girlfriend's house in Canada to go to a new years eve party. When we got there her mom had cooked us a huge dinner and needless to say soon after I had to take a dump. Because it was the first time meeting her parents I got the long interview while having a serious case of the bubble guts. On top of that I was really nervous because it was her parents' house, I just recently started talking, and I knew this was going to be a monster. Eventually, I decided to slip down to the basement and use their semi-finished bathroom. 5 minutes later I was hovered over a clogged toilet with nothing but my hand to fix the situation.
-K., central Michigan
When my ex and I broke up, he threatened to go to the police when I refused to give him back the pretty underwear he'd given me for my birthday and Christmas. In hindsight, I should have let him.
My girlfriend of 2 years told me the other night (in front of a few of my friends) that one time when I passed out wasted she stuck her finger halfway in my ass, "Just for fun."
Last year my ex and I got caught by her insane catholic mom. In my haste to kosher up I misplaced my boxers. The next hour was a hell the devil would fear. When I get home after school my mom gets a call from my ex's mom saying she found a "lost item of mine." My ex's mom also made up some bull that they were saturated in sperm (I know for a fact they were as clean as a whistle). What disgusts me most is her proof, which I directly quote: "I KNOW WHAT SPERM SMELLS LIKE!" Concerned mom or underwear sniffing nutcase? You decide.
I dated this guy, Rob, for almost 2 years. I finally broke up with him because all he did was smoke pot and his income consisted of writing bad checks so he could buy more pot. I packed my things and bought myself a greyhound ticket home. He found the ticket, ripped it up, and announced that he would drive me there himself. So, when we arrived at my destination, he became shocked that I still wanted to break things off. "I just spent $40 in gas taking you here, and this is how you repay me?" he asked, like $40 is a grandiose amount that would sweep me off my feet and rethink the whole breaking up thing (to be fair, he could've bought an 8th of weed). But it didn't end there, a week later he dropped by unannounced and gave me his cat before he parked his van a mile down the road by a river and camped out for a few days. Yes, he was quite literally stalking me while living in 'a van down by the river'. He kept calling me, crying, asking if he could drop by and visit his kitty. I kept saying no, and then he asked for the cat, which he said he didn't want any more, back. I told him I was keeping the cat and he could go f-himself, at which point he admitted that his plan was to 'loan' me the cat so he could visit me under the pretenses of visiting the cat like it was a child and he had visiting rights, until I gave in and realized how committed he was. Please, let this be a warning to pot smokers: one day you could be this stupid if you don't keep it in check. On a more positive note, the cat and I live a very happy together.
Michael Jackson's song "Beat It" came on over the radio and my girlfriend asked if it was Hanson.