You can scour the Internet for hours looking for lists and articlesthat address what I like to call "Man Skills". These are a particularset of skills that every man should possess. Topping that list arethings like changing a light bulb, replacing an electrical socket,fixing this and fixing that, you get the idea. I, on the other hand,have a very different list of skills, or at least a very different takeon how or why certain skills should be practiced and perfected. Thefirst of those skills is How to Catch a Bat.

Step one should beconfirming that what you have in your house is indeed a bat. This isdone quite simply. Do you see a bat? Then step one is complete. Now itis important that once you've confirmed the presence of a bat in yourhouse that you not lose sight of it. These are shifty little creaturesthat can hide in small spaces barely detected so it is crucial that youmaintain a visual on them. There are two tried and true tools that arepopular for incapacitating these little bastards—a broom or a tennisracket. But since this is a list of man skills these two methods shouldbe avoided at all costs. Let me explain: The problem with the broom isthat this is a tool used for cleaning and as such you should not, underany circumstances, be seen holding one. Cleaning is not your job. Tocomplicate the matter even further is the fact that, as a man, youshouldn't even know where to find a broom. This is where your mother,wife, sister or girlfriend comes in handy for once. Ask them to findthe broom (they should know where it is) and bring it to you. This isthe only time in your life that using a broom is acceptable, and eventhis is up for debate. For very similar reasons you should try to avoidusing a tennis racket. Because this is a man skill, and real men do notplay tennis, you shouldn't even own a tennis racket. Now is the time toask your girlfriend, little sister, young daughter, sissy son orbrother or effeminate roommate to fetch their tennis racket. If youinsist on using either of these two methods the next step is obvious:hit that bitch. Once dead, throw it into your yard or onto yourneighbor's front stoop. Since a real man does not know where to find abroom and does not own a tennis racket, I will outline the best way tocatch a bat using more common house hold items. You are now going tochase the bat around the house and try to knock it out of the air oroff the wall with a t-shirt (a blanket or towel will also work). Theaim here is to eventually use the t-shirt as a sort of net and trap thebat inside of it. After you have done this you are going to carry thet-shirt (with the bat wrapped inside of it) outside. Since it isprobably still alive this is where you have your chance to teach thebat an important lesson. You can either drop a heavy object onto it orhit it with something; by no means is it acceptable to let it just flyaway. This would send the wrong message. This is also why it is vitalthat you do not go around your house opening doors and windows in thehopes that the bat will just fly out. Imagine the message that wouldsend. This asshole comes into your home without permission, fliesaround like it owns the place, and you're just going to escort himpeacefully to the exit? That is insane and completely unacceptable. Nowdo you see why it is so important to kill it once you have wrapped itup in a t-shirt and carried it outside? It's all about the message youare sending.