The Office

Dwight: Question – is this documentary ever going to be released?


Jim: Yeah, the documentary you guys have been shooting around the clock for the past 7 years.

Director: Oh god no, we're not making a documentary. Who would invest in a decade-long documentary about a paper company?

Dwight: Well what the hell is going on then?

Cameraman: We're just really dedicated stalkers. And you guys are oddly permissive of our stalking.

Director: We did something pretty similar in England a while back. It was better.

Jim: Well, I'm sure you just mean it was a different style.

Cameraman: "Different" as in "better."

How I Met Your Mother

Son: Daaaaaaaaaaad, is the story almost over yet?

Daughter: Yeah, you spent twelve hours explaining how often you had sex with Aunt Robin.

Son: I don't think you've even mentioned mom's name yet.

Ted: You goddamn ungrateful little –

The Mother: Ted, are you still telling them the story?

Daughter: Mom, just tell us how you met.

The Mother: Well your dad used to bang this chick named Robin. A lot. That's pretty much all I remember.

Two and a Half Men

Charlie Sheen: How ya doing there, Half-Man?

Half-Man: You know you don't have to call me that, anymore. I'm 22. I think I'm a full man now.

Jon Cryer: Oh, you thought we called you half of a man because you were a kid?

Half-Man: Well…yeah.

Charlie Sheen: Ha! Oh this misconception brings great merriment to my spirit.

Jon Cryer: Mine as well, dear Charles. No, Half-Man, you are named so because you were born a hermaphrodite.

Charlie Sheen: That means you have girly parts too.

Half-Man: Oh….well, I guess at least you didn't call me Half-Woman, right?

Charlie Sheen: Hey, you're lucky I haven't half-slept-with-you yet.