Dwight: Question is this documentary ever going to be released?
Jim: Yeah, the documentary you guys have been shooting around the clock for the past 7 years.
Director: Oh god no, we're not making a documentary. Who would invest in a decade-long documentary about a paper company?
Dwight: Well what the hell is going on then?
Cameraman: We're just really dedicated stalkers. And you guys are oddly permissive of our stalking.
Director: We did something pretty similar in England a while back. It was better.
Jim: Well, I'm sure you just mean it was a different style.
Cameraman: "Different" as in "better."
Son: Daaaaaaaaaaad, is the story almost over yet?
Daughter: Yeah, you spent twelve hours explaining how often you had sex with Aunt Robin.
Son: I don't think you've even mentioned mom's name yet.
Ted: You goddamn ungrateful little
The Mother: Ted, are you still telling them the story?
Daughter: Mom, just tell us how you met.
The Mother: Well your dad used to bang this chick named Robin. A lot. That's pretty much all I remember.
Charlie Sheen: How ya doing there, Half-Man?
Half-Man: You know you don't have to call me that, anymore. I'm 22. I think I'm a full man now.
Jon Cryer: Oh, you thought we called you half of a man because you were a kid?
Half-Man: Well yeah.
Charlie Sheen: Ha! Oh this misconception brings great merriment to my spirit.
Jon Cryer: Mine as well, dear Charles. No, Half-Man, you are named so because you were born a hermaphrodite.
Charlie Sheen: That means you have girly parts too.
Half-Man: Oh .well, I guess at least you didn't call me Half-Woman, right?
Charlie Sheen: Hey, you're lucky I haven't half-slept-with-you yet.