It's time to focus. As someone who is constantly spitting in the face of the legal system, you need to find away to avoid being apprehended. You know those people that are always chasing after you? They are commonly known as 'police'. Though if you listen to hip-hop music you may know them by one of their many street names such as '5-0', 'po-po', or 'chief executive officer'. People try lots of things to get away from them. Some choose to get in great physical shape and out-run them. Some use the millions of dollars they inherited to build tunnels that create a series of intertwining escape routes leading to their underground lair seven miles outside the city limits of Boston. You don't want to do any of that though. What you are going to do is quite simple: disguise your identity.

  1. Have a custom mask made. If you just toss on a balaclava, you'll look like any old thief. What's the point in disguising yourself if you just end up looking like a criminal? Might as well install Windows on your Mac. What you need is a custom-made mask with the image of your face on it. If police see someone wearing a mask with your face on it, they will assume that the person is someone attempting to be you. After all, are you really stupid enough to hide your face with your own face? Yeah, stupid like a fox.
  2. Lie. Do lots of lying. Lie about absolutely everything. A complete lack of consistency will make you difficult to track down. When you are asked your name, you give a different one every time. When you are asked where you are from, you give a different place every time. Asked if you want freshly-ground pepper on your salad? Say yes, even though you didn't want any. Lie. Lie. Lie.
  3. Join the Avatar Program. Call up James Cameron and get him to link you up with one of those Na'vi bodies and nobody will be the wiser. I guarantee you that no matter how much the police know about you, the phrase 'may take shape as an eleven-foot tall blue humanoid' does not appear anywhere on your rap sheet.
  4. Recklessly post your credit card information online. If you go ahead and toss your most pertinent personal information online, a delightful criminal will do all the hard work for you and steal your identity. After all, what better way is there to stay incognito then just having another person become you. Be careful with this one as there is a very high chance of you losing anywhere from all of your money to all of your money.
  5. Recklessly steal someone else's credit card information online. Chances are that the authorities are not looking for Cathy Jones from Eugene, Oregon, so you'll be safe. Just keep the illusion going. Be careful with this one as there is a very high chance of you stealing all of her money.

Using any of these suggestions should keep you out of harm's reach, but if all else fails just plead insanity. If you need any further tips don't be afraid to ask. Though by the time you read this I won't be reachable through this website. You can find me under the name Cathy Jones in Eugene, Oregon.