How it starts: You've met the love of life, who also happens to be the first girl who spoke to you at Orientation.
What happens: From the moment you first made out behind the Library during a group tour, you're inseparable. The fact that she's wearing your sharktooth necklace and high school letterman's jacket during the R-rated hypnotist show signifies your undying love for each other.
How it ends: You'll text during the weeks leading up to school and promise to totally hook up at the first party you're both invited to. Unfortunately you're a tool and she's hot, so by the time that actually happens the Mozzarella sticks have gone to your chins and she's nailing the starting frontcourt on the basketball team. Sure it hurts for a bit, but don't worry, because the next phase is
How it starts: Modern science has not been able to explain just how or when or why the Ron Jeremy phase happens, all that is known is one day you will consider alerting the Coast Guard because you are straight drowning in pussy.
What happens: Every party, class, sporting event, and Bible study share one characteristic: girls are all up on your junk. You could even grow a goatee and it wouldn't matter, because you are in the zone. And for these most fleeting of moments, you finally experience just what every day is like for a hot girl, and you like it.
How it ends: Just as its origins are a mystery, so too are its endings. The important thing is to soak up the memories and find a girlfriend so you don't spend the next 2 months as the mayor of Drought City while you go through
How it starts: You'll become inspired when your grandfather tells you how proud he is that you're in college, because when he was your age he couldn't since he was busy putting lead into the craniums of a few hundred thousand Krauts.
What happens: You'll pledge to treat college as an opportunity to improve yourself intellectually, physically, and spiritually. You'll set a goal of reading a book a week, along with daily exercise and meditation. You'll pledge to make your grandpa proud.
How it ends: You'll start by reading the first 4 pages of "Infinite Jest-, then foregoing every other plan and dedicating the rest of the year to catching a beej from that Asian chick who just walked by. You'll end the year an illiterate fatass who loses his sh*t if Domino's doesn't put enough pepperoni on your pizza. You'll make your grandfather proud by developing a hatred of foreigners. This growing angst will serve you well in
How it starts: Your roommate is so into 'Rage' he doesn't even add the 'Against The Machine' part, because YOU SHOULD ALREADY KNOW WHAT HE'S TALKING ABOUT, MAN. He will spend the semester telling you "what really happened- because he knows a guy.
What happens: You soon realize everyone is out to get you and nobody gets you. You will read this article and post a comment like "This is so lame. I never went through any of these phases, plus they edited 'shit' in the Renaissance Man phase.- Then you'll chug a Monster energy drink and go punch a wall, because walls are just there to lock you in.
How it ends: It probably won't, because growing up and growing out of the phase is exactly what "they- want you to do. Watch out, though, because while you're distracted hating the world, before you know it you've entered
How it starts: At some point during your senior year of college you will realize that, holy shit, you are in your senior year of college.
What happens: You can either succumb to depression and spend your weekend nights getting hammered and watching 'Boy Meets World' reruns, or you can make the most of these last glorious months. You choose the first option, but in doing so, you fail your last 6 credits.
How it ends: Though you've now got an extra semester to take advantage of this gift you've given yourself, your parents will only let you take summer courses. You'll realize that your chances of having fun in college are over. And so like every Shakespearean tragedy, and unlike every Ron Jeremy porn shoot, there will be no happy ending.