Ahhhh Valentine's day. A perfect day for all those perfect couples…but what about all the single people. What happens to them? I'll tell you. I've seen it too many times.



On Valentine's day most single people end up huddled on the ground in the fetal postion crying that they want their mother but guess what she's gone on a Valentine's date with your dad and no one comes to comfort you so you just lay there crying when suddenly you get the bright idea that you can effectively use your own tears as lubricant to masterbate…so you do and for a second you feel better but then you realize what you've just done and how pathetic your life is so you turn to good old Mr. Tequila. He doesn't judge you…so you feel comfortable throwing a few back…not so many that you want to vomit but enough to make that awkward phone call to that special coworker, which by the way, you won't remember tomorrow if they bring it up. Then you sit in front of the TV watching re-runs of Happy Days asking yourself how you ended up in this position. But that all comes to stop because you realize that you're a loser…a pathetic loser that has a dead end job and a small penis. So you start to cry again…but not that sad muffled cry like before…oh no…we're talking full on "Honey, I think someone's killing our neighbors…I'm gonna call the cops" cry. So the cops show up right on time, two hours later…just in time to see you tying a makeshift noose out of shoe laces. They ask you what's going on and if they should call your parents. You say no…you were practicing for a play. They buy it and leave. Then the embarassment drinking begins and you black out. And after all this your parents come home only to see you passed out on the floor in a puddle of you're own piss crying that you tried to make it to the bathroom but you could't undo your belt…but that's no excuse because you realize that you're already in your spongebob squarepants boxers and remember that you decided not to get up to go to the bathroom. Instead you wanted to pee in the tequila bottle so your parents wouldn't know you drank it…but in the end you just couldn't make it.

Oh it's a classic case. So, for all those that have deluded themselves into thinking that they've found that special someone, I give a sincere "Happy Valentine's day." And for the rest of us…let's just keep our heads down and keep drinking until this miserable holiday blows over. 

Well, that's it for me.  I hope you all have a wonderful Valentine's Day =]