So I have come to the conclusion that tests in college don't measure how much you studied or how well you know the material, but instead they test you on how proficient you are at answering questions. I have taken tests after studying for weeks, after cramming for hours, and after not studying at all, and I always seem to do just about the same. Now, fortunately for me, I have become really good at answering questions after years of my mother giving me the third degree every time I walked into the room, but for those other students
those who have a hard time distinguishing between "What's Up?" and "How's It Going?", those are the poor kids who find themselves staring at big fat F's on every test they take (even if they went to every class and studied diligently for hours). God forbid they make the silly mistake of not realizing that their midterm in MicroBiology would actually be a test on syntax and answering questions
silly them for spending hours studying the evolution of the African JuJuBee
(yeah thats right
jujubee) thinking that their test might actually test their knowledge of the material in the book.
Here are some examples of the types of questions one might expect to find on a college exam the subject doesn't matter because in college it wouldn't matter if you knew all the relevant material:
1) Out of the following answer choices, please pick the most correct incorrect choice;
a: Since you're going to fail, you might as well give up now
b: Prepare to see the look of disappointment when your grades get mailed to your parents
c: Kiss dreams of a 4.0 goodbye
d: Go ahead and get preggers you're going to end up failing out of college anyway
2) Which of the following answer choices has exactly 22 degrees of validity?
a: This one is correct
b: No This one is correct
c: A and B are both correct
d: All of the above are correct
3) Which of the following answer choices would I pick when making this exam at 8pm last night while sitting on my couch watching Lost and eating a Beef Gordita.
* Please Note that I had consumed approximately 2.7 glasses of white wine and haven't had sex in 16 days. Also, it was 8pm Central Standard Time.
a: This answer seems right
b: This answer has a word I recognize from the reading
c: This answer makes logical sense, but seems overly complicated
d: This answer doesn't seem completely right, but sounds like a drunk hungry person who hasn't been laid would have written it
4) All of the following answer choices are correct, but please pick the one that you think I would pick as my favorite.
a: Lost is awesome
b: Actually, Greys Anatomy is better
c: I shouldn't have gone to happy hour and gone home with that hairy biker guy
d: I hope I'm not pregnant from the hairy biker guy
5) On Tuesday in class I was talking about the History of Latin America. What was the 4th word on the billboard in the distant background of the 8th slide I showed? You should remember this insignificant detail even though I spent less than .8 seconds on the slide.
6) All of the following answer choices are going to seem correct, but the one that seems the most correct will purposefully have a word mispelled so that you sit in your chair for 10 minutes trying to decide if it was a typo or if it was misspelled on purpose thus making the entire answer choice false.
a: Oranges are the best source of vitamin C
b: McDonalds is most well known for its tasty french fries
c: I drink a lot of wine at night because its been a while since I've had sex
d: Barack Obama is our 44th United States Precedent