My fraternity (as do many other fraternities and sororities) has an e-mail group account in which you can send an e-mail out to the entire house with one click of a button. This is good for philanthropy, sporting events, social events, and even ridicule. This such instance is one of ridicule, which I thought was personally well constructed by one of my brothers and I saw the need for its publication somewhere. Therefore, I thought what better place to publish such art than (to quote my dear brother) on the most "holy-of-holy" college phenomena on the Web, CollegeHumor.com.
The following is the original e-mail that was sent out to my entire fraternity after a Friday-night kegger at one of our nearby off-campus houses most readily used for such soirees, "The Jungle." (If I wanted to be cliche, I would have just said, "Welcome "):
"Last night was a great success! To all that attended, I hope you had a great time, and (if you were looking for it) got some digits from some cutie (who is hopefully still cute when you facebook creep her today). However, being a sober individual last night I noticed that a few of us could use a short refresher course in our 'party-guest etiquette' and so I have prepared a few easy multiple choices for you to recollect on your tendencies.
1. Upon arriving at the party, you discover that the girl-you've-been-trying-for-
A. Try to go toe-to-toe with the "BFF" and convince her she should leave her friend here with you.
B. Tell her she's a wuss for not liking the delicious taste of fresh brewed, tripple malted, barley and hops aged for 10+ weeks in a concoction of water, sugar and yeast.
C. Rummage through the host's fridge looking for something to mix with the rubbing alcohol you kids like to call liquor in order to appease the over-demanding "best friend" and still have a chance at getting your game on later that night.
D. the same as C, but AFTER asking one of your gracious host's for approval before ran-sacking his holy of holy, his fridge.
Answer: D. You will never win in a toe-to-toe argument with the best friend. ever. And while it may be true that anyone who doesnt love the man's water-also known as beer-is a wuss, calling the "best-friend" out on this in front of your girl will be a sure-fire cock-block for you.
2. When you find yourself in a bind and it is necessary to make an early exit, you should:
A. Set your beer down in a seemingly obscure location in hopes that when you come back you'll remember where you hid it and no ones fucked with it since then.
B. Pour your beer away and repeat A.
C. Drink the rest of your beer and go behind the bar and grab the masking tape and/or sharpie and mark your cup as yours then set it behind the bar for when you return.
Answer: C. Stop wasting beer you fucks! Nothing breaks my heart more than having to dump out pitcher after pitcher of stale beer the morning after a party because you all suck with your party manners.
3. When the keg goes dry, and the party is winding down, you notice there is beer in your gracious host's fridge, you should:
A. Close the door and forget about it.
B. Wish you had more beer and close the door.
C. Do a shifty eye and steal all of the beer for your own drunk-fueled greed.
D. Discover who the beer belongs to and ask them, very politely, if you may have one or two of them.
Answer: D, A or B. To all those that chose C, your a fuck. Just because I was not partaking in the drinking, does not mean that I did not want my beer at some point in the near future.
4. We've all partied hard, and sometimes too hard. When you discover the world is spinning a little off-kilter, and that the only thing holding the walls up is you, and you get that urge to purge. And while waiting for the ginormous line of girls to cycle through the bathroom, you do an "oops" (we've all been there) you should:
A. Stare at it in disbelief as you convince yourself it didn't come from you, and walk away, then deny it was you when confronted about it later
B. Try to drunkinly clean it up (not succeeding) and apologize to everyone looking at you.
C. Try to cover it up with random things around you and act like it never happened.
D. Explain to your gracious host what happened, apologize, and say that your too drunk to clean it now, but you'll come back tomorrow to clean up after yourself.
Answer: D. No one likes to be a drunk mess, and we have all been there at one time or another. However, I am not your maid and I will not clean up your vomit (cough-ANDREW-cough) Soo, there is an AIR DUCT GRATE sitting on my BACK PORCH that needs to be cleaned. and until it does, the Jungle will not be hosting any more parties. Yes I am serious, so I would suggest we all motivate our new brother to do the right thing and come familiarize himself with what he had to eat last night.
That is all,
(###)###-2462 (< for when you need help finding the house to come help me clean)"