Harry Potter:  Hey, guys.  Nice to meet you.  I'm Harry Potter.  But then, you all must know that already.  I mean, I'm the Boy Who Lived.


Curious George:  You know, I'm pretty well-known myself.

Harry Potter:  Of course you are.  Your books have lots of pictures. 

Ponyboy:  Lots of readers were touched when my best friend Johnnycake died a tragic yet heroic death.  

Harry Potter:  Psh.  More people cried when my owl got killed than have ever even heard of your book. 

Beth March:  I got scarlet fever when I was a teenager and almost died.  But because I was such a good person, I got to live several more years before succumbing to the near-constant agony that had followed me since! 

Harry Potter:  Wow, that sure is lucky.  Yeah, for the first seventeen years of my life, I couldn't be killed.  I literally could not die.  This chunk of immortal bad guy soul was, like, attached to me, so I pretty much could've done anything and survived. 

Nancy Drew:  I use my wits to assemble clues to solve mysteries and thwart small-time and not particularly dangerous criminals.

Harry Potter:  I know four spells.  And remember how I saved the world anyway?  Good times. 

Flossey and Freddie Bobbsey:  We get into lovable and harmless highjinks with our brother and sister!

Harry Potter:  Who the f*ck are you? 

Henry Alden:  After living together in a boxcar, my equally polite and well-behaved siblings and I solve mysteries together with little to no infighting! 

Harry Potter:  Dude, I'm a wizard who goes to a  massive yet hidden school for witchcraft somewhere in the middle of Scotland, where the teachers constantly allow me to tackle tasks far too complicated for me to handle and that I somehow always heroically complete.  And I'm still a more realistic character than you. 

Jake Berenson:  My name is Jake.  And I'm a teenager who can turn into animals! 

Harry Potter:
  I'm a teenager who can turn inanimate objects into animals! 

Jake Berenson: 
Yeah, well, I lost my brother and my cousin in the final battle of the Animorphs! 

Harry Potter:
  Puh-lease.  Like, eighty percent of the people who I've ever met are dead, and you don't hear me whining about it, now do you? 

Peter Pan:  My book is full of symbolism and pirates! 

Harry Potter:  You have a book? 

Laura Ingalls:
  My hard-work and perseverance enabled me to almost graduate from school and to get married. 

Harry Potter: 
I'm pretty much only alive because my friends aren't as lazy as I am.

Gandalf:  As an elderly wizard, I mentored a troubled young hobbit to fulfill his destiny, withholding key bits of information that really could have helped him save the world a lot faster.  And, although I sacrificed myself for his good, I was still able to come back and tie up a bunch of loose ends that would have been otherwise forgotten by the end of the story. 

Harry Potter:  Yeah, never met anyone like that.  Spoiler alert! 

Edward Cullen: 
I am both immortal and dreamy. 

Harry Potter: 
I am a bespectacled underdog with a scampish side that will not be denied.  And you are a glittery d*ck. 

Frodo:  I reluctantly accepted an ill-advised mission to destroy a piece of evil jewelry, traveling with my
ambiguously friendly gardener and an ultimately untrustworthy schizophrenic guide who, by the way, said "precious" every other breath, which was both unnerving and really annoying.  I saved, like, a billion lives, and my evenual triumph brought together the worlds of Men, Hobbits, Dwarves, and Elves.  What do you say to that, Mr. Harry "I'm Better Than Everyone Else And Can Do No Wrong" Potter? 

Harry Potter: 

Frodo:  (dies)

Everyone else:  Huzzah! 

Gandalf:  What the f*ck?