We all thought MTV ruined music until “American Idol” came along. Now, we still think MTV ruined music, but thanks to “Idol”, music doesn’t even exist anymore. But, wait, there’s like all sorts of other reasons this show is from Satan’s kingdom…

1) Simon’s hypocrisy.

Yeah, yeah, we all know Simon Cowell is the “critical” one who finds negativity where the other judges see sunshine. But if this guy’s being paid for being the rebellious party pooper, then why not spoil the biggest party of all? This show! Come on Simon, you’ve seen the mildly better, but still horrid, talent on your original British version of this show, how can you not want to hit the “detonate” button at this American TV studio? Criticize the show itself, not the singers who are wrongfully allowed by Fox to perform in the first place.

2) Ryan Seacrest’s genericalness.

And “generic” is showing kindness towards this plain robot. Suddenly I don’t have any issues with the phoniness of 70’s and 80’s gameshow hosts after watching this guy. At least they are phony, which is a human trait. Seacrest lacks any identifiable feature whatsoever. We know nothing about this guy, and all we get from him are simple sentences, such as, “Next on Idol…” and “Okay, Katherine, it’s your turn”. I’m guessing his audition for the show wasn’t exactly Will Ferrell showing up in Lorne Michael’s “Saturday Night Live” office with a mysterious briefcase.

3) Kara’s arrival.

I can’t believe I’m going to say this, but I miss Paula Abdul. Whose idea was it to substitute a conceited woman with no personality for a woman who fake cries? At least fake tears come from someone who is happy to be a part of the program. When Kara DioGuardi found out she was going to be the new star of the biggest show on TV, I’d seen more excitement from a McDonald’s employee being told she could go home five minutes early. Kara is just too cool for all of us.

4) Kelly Pickler.

Say what you want about Kelly Clarkson, Bo Bice, and Carrie Underwood having the most impact on this show, but Kelly did so much more for the community. She showed that you could become famous with merely above average looks, no rhythm, bad karaoke-level vocals (her bad singing is the most important factor in my argument to her becoming famous, so I came up with a different label for her singing), and the dumbest sense of humor this side of China. She didn’t sell as many records as the big “Idol” winners and non-winners, and she doesn’t appear on entertainment programs and tabloids as much as the big cats, but just the fact the words “millions” and “interview with Leno” come out of our mouths when talking about Pickler means something is very, very wrong.

5) No suspense.

By eliminating only one person from the show per episode, this program has escaped the important sense of suspense that would make this show a tad interesting. These singers (plural instead of singular, I goofed) show up in a group of 20 and “sing their hearts out” just so they are not the ONE person who gets voted off. I’ve been more nervous watching a contestant at the Westminster Dog Show possibly screwing up his chances for the green ribbon.

6) The auditions.

Most people will say that the reason these early-season episodes suck so bad is because of how bad the performers are when they audition for Simon and Company. No, that’s not it. The reason these shows are abominable is because they expect us to believe this is for real. That Simon and Company had NOOOO idea that Fox set up a bunch of lame vocalists who would get kicked out of a karaoke room just so the viewers can laugh and laugh at the judges giving looks of disbelief. The only positive is there’s no network laugh track during this.

7) The vocal performances.

All right, let’s get back to the idea of “music” being displayed here. Have the 200 million people who watch this show ever seen a real singer? Apparently not.

8) The transfer from “Idol” into our lives.

The big singers from this show have no right becoming famous in the music industry after “Idol” is over for them. Millions of Americans choose not to watch “American Idol” because of how awful the contestants are, so when these very contestants show up on the CD racks of the stores we shop at, and on the TV screen of the TV we spent big money on, the police should be called for “stalking” and “invasion of privacy”. Isn’t 16 weeks of fame on Fox enough?!