I

Me: I don’t know about this.

Alcohol: C’mon Broski!

Me: She’s not interested.

Alcohol: Dude, of course she is! Just introduce yourself loudly.

Me: Really?

Alcohol: Yeah man! Volume is key. Women respect noise.

Me: Huh. That sounds about right.

Alcohol: Also, tell her you’re a boss.

Me: A boss?

Alcohol: Yes. And don’t elaborate. Like, at all. Just go “Yo, I’m Lev. And Imma BAWS.” Then stumble away.

Me: Do I- do I have to pronounce it like that? With the “W”?

Alcohol: Yes. And when she goes “what?” just sigh really heavy like she’s stupid or something. Just trust me, ok?

Me: …

Alcohol: That’s when you start rapping.

Me: Rapping?

Alcohol: Yes. As Martin Luther Bling.

Me: Not happening.

Alcohol: Harriet Thugman?

(pause)

Me: Maybe.

II

Alcohol: Yo Lev, you just going to take that?

Me: What?

Alcohol: That guy just messed with you!

Me: What? No he didn’t.

Alcohol: You should probably start throwing things.

III

Alcohol: What, you’re going to pee with the seat up?

Me: Uh, yeah?

Alcohol: Come on Lev! That’s like the training wheels of pissing.

Me: I guess it is.

Alcohol: Real men pee how they want. While rapping.

IV

Alcohol: Just keep rapping. Just keep rapping and no one will notice the pee stains.

V

Alcohol: You’re pretty bad at Beer Pong.

Me: Shut up you.

Alcohol: Maybe it would help if you personally insulted someone before each shot.

VI

Alcohol: You know what people love?

Me: What?

Alcohol: When you talk about Snakes on a Plane. Especially when you talk about your idea for the sequel, Snakes on McCain, staring John McCain as a retired zookeeper who has had it with those snakes.

Me: Really?

Alcohol: That idea doesn’t suck at all. Also, it's very timely.

(pause)

Me: We should hang out more.