Me: I don’t know about this.
Alcohol: C’mon Broski!
Me: She’s not interested.
Alcohol: Dude, of course she is! Just introduce yourself loudly.
Alcohol: Yeah man! Volume is key. Women respect noise.
Me: Huh. That sounds about right.
Alcohol: Also, tell her you’re a boss.
Me: A boss?
Alcohol: Yes. And don’t elaborate. Like, at all. Just go “Yo, I’m Lev. And Imma BAWS.” Then stumble away.
Me: Do I- do I have to pronounce it like that? With the “W”?
Alcohol: Yes. And when she goes “what?” just sigh really heavy like she’s stupid or something. Just trust me, ok?
Alcohol: That’s when you start rapping.
Alcohol: Yes. As Martin Luther Bling.
Me: Not happening.
Alcohol: Harriet Thugman?
Alcohol: Yo Lev, you just going to take that?
Alcohol: That guy just messed with you!
Me: What? No he didn’t.
Alcohol: You should probably start throwing things.
Alcohol: What, you’re going to pee with the seat up?
Me: Uh, yeah?
Alcohol: Come on Lev! That’s like the training wheels of pissing.
Me: I guess it is.
Alcohol: Real men pee how they want. While rapping.
Alcohol: Just keep rapping. Just keep rapping and no one will notice the pee stains.
Alcohol: You’re pretty bad at Beer Pong.
Me: Shut up you.
Alcohol: Maybe it would help if you personally insulted someone before each shot.
Alcohol: You know what people love?
Alcohol: When you talk about Snakes on a Plane. Especially when you talk about your idea for the sequel, Snakes on McCain, staring John McCain as a retired zookeeper who has had it with those snakes.
Alcohol: That idea doesn’t suck at all. Also, it's very timely.
Me: We should hang out more.