I

 

Guy: I got a great idea for a show!

Man: Shoot.

Guy: It’s about teenagers.

Man: Good. Kids love teenagers.

Guy: They’re teenage mutant ninjas. And they live in the sewer.

Man: What? That’s insane. And why would they live in the sewer?

Guy: Because they’re also turtles. They’re teenage turtle mutant ninjas, who love pizza, just like all mutated turtle ninjas do.

Man: Get out of my office.

 
II

Dude: New idea; I’m going to major in history!

Guy: How could that ever be useful?

Dude: …

Guy: Maybe you should minor in time-travel.


III

Guy: We should run those Cash for Gold ads on weird channels at 2 A.M. Because everyone knows no one has more gold than drunken college students. 


IV

Nike: Well, we paid hundreds of millions of dollars to Kobe and Lebron, so we should use them to sell shoes.

Guy: That’s actually a really good idea-

Nike: You didn’t let me finish. Except we don’t actually use them. We don’t actually have the super famous stars show up.

Guy: …

Nike: Instead we’ll use puppets.

Guy: Not…not Kobe and Lebron. Puppets. Instead of these two basketball legends.

Nike: And we won't actually show or try to sell shoes. Also, the puppets live together, for some reason. Also, they play basketball with Santa Claus.

Guy: Is this your fan-fiction?

Nike: No. This is the only way we can sell shoes. With puppet superstars. So hot right now.

 

Man: Jekyll, seriously dude, what the hell?

Jekyll: Wait! Uh, it’s not my fault! It's because I drink my magical elixir-

Man: That’s vodka-

Jekyll: And I black out. And then do all these terrible, terrible things.

Man: Still vodka-

Jekyll: And I wake up feeling awful.

Man: That’s because you’re an alcoholic.

Jekyll: No. My magic elixir turned me into another dude, so not my fault. Cool?

Man: …

Jekyll: Trust me. I’m a doctor.

Man: You got your PHD in drinking.

Jekyll: Quiet you.

 

VI

Klan: We’ll wear sheets and burn crosses. Because nothing says “The good guys” quite like ghosts burning

crosses attacking people.

Guy: And racism.

Klan: Right, that too. Everyone loves creepy, racist, violent ghosts.

Man: There is no way we’ll look like some sort of super-villain from G.I. Joe.

Klan: Of course not. We’re heroes. Murderous, hateful heroes. Who burn crosses.


VII


Jon: Emily, I love you. Marry me!

Emily: I’m not convinced. You need to have 1,170,000 people to join a Facebook group.

Jon: What? Why?

Emily: Because that's how love works. Through internet campaigns.

Jon: Makes sense. 

Emily: Maybe you can spam it, too. 


VIII


Guy: Imperio!

Emma Watson: Doesn’t work.

Guy: Aw…