Real emails to customer service, in regard to fake complaints:
To: LL Bean Customer Service
From: Joey Shabado
March 19, 2010 at 10:18 AM
Subject: Shipping and Delivery
To whom this might concern:
I recently ordered Medium D size 12 Katahdin Iron Works® Engineer Boots. While I am quite happy with the boots so far, I am actually upset by your shipping methods: upon opening the box, I found among the packing tissue a live scorpion.
I understand that these boots are advertised as “durable” and “rugged,” but I believe it to be quite dangerous to demonstrate this durability to customers by shipping live scorpions with your products.
And now my dilemma: I am worried that while in transit the scorpion laid eggs inside the boots, which have since hatched into baby scorpions. I believe they have settled throughout my home. Now, I can’t sleep at night for worry that there are thousands of predatory arthropods crawling around my ranch-style home when I’m not looking. I imagine them breeding in my underwear drawer, eating from my pantry, and quietly waiting for me to slip a naked foot into one of the boots or to close my eyes to sleep at night so that they can finally make their move. I have scorpion nightmares, where I imagine their paralyzing venom coursing through my veins. I wake up drenched in cold sweat; I’m worried that these are venom-sweats. My wife thinks I’m too paranoid, and is now staying with her sister in Tucson; she has threatened to leave me if I do not calm down soon.
I hereby request a new pair of Katahdin Iron Works® Engineer Boots shipped to the address below, sans scorpions, should I live through the night.
6326 N 14th Pl
Phoenix, Arizona 85014
Fri, Mar 19, 2010 at 2:30 PM
Dear Mr. Shabado,
Thank you for contacting us about your recent order. I am sorry to hear about your experience with the packaging of these boots. It is certainly not an experience we intend for our customers.
We have been unable to find a record of the boots’ shipment. Could you please call me at your earliest convenience, so that we may track this order and resolve the issue for you? I can be reached weekdays at 1-800-341-4341, extension [redacted].
L.L.Bean Product Specialist
Fri, Mar 19, 2010 at 2:55 PM
Thank you so much for your response; no one is listening to me and I don’t know what to do. I can’t understand why there isn’t a record. I purchased these boots, and a scorpion was included, possibly with eggs.
Though I want to call, I believe there to be a scorpion inside my phone’s handset. Please advise!
Fri, Mar 19, 2010 at 3:56 PM
Dear Mr. Shabado,
I cannot find a record of any orders shipped to the address you provided. Were the boots shipped directly to you at the Phoenix address, or to a different recipient and address? We need to track the package progress, as L.L.Bean will need to alert UPS, our carrier.
The scorpion did not originate in our L.L.Bean warehouse in Freeport, Maine. Scorpions are not indigenous to this area of the United States.
Fri, Mar 19, 2010 at 4:17 PM
It is okay if you call me Joey. While I don’t know much about scorpions, you might be right. But could it also be possible that someone at the LL Bean warehouse intentionally planted this scorpion, as a means to sabatage me? Or maybe it was someone at the Phoenix Post Office? I don’t know what to believe!
I had the boots shipped to:
6326 N 14th Pl.
Phoenix, Arizona 85014
Is there any other information I could provide, that could help track down this record?
Also, I have managed to capture the original scorpion under a coffee mug. Do you want me to return it to you so you can run DNA tests and track down where it came from? Just send me a shipping label, because it wouldn’t be fair for me to pay for shipping.
Fri, Mar 19, 2010 at 4:39 PM
I have checked with our mail order services department. I'm sorry, but we have absolutely no record of any packages shipped to the address you provided. We would need an order number to track the package. Regarding the scorpion, we would suggest that you contact the local service that delivered the package, whether it was UPS or the U.S. Postal Service.
Fri, Mar 19, 2010 at 6:14 PM
I can't seem to find my order number, but I will dig through my personal paperwork; will get in touch when I find it. I will also call the UPS, and they will get an ear-full!
Thank you so much for your help on this journey.