When the entire class groans the minute you are called on, collectively lets out a audible sigh every time you speak, or makes rude gestures behind your back in class, then DUR might just be the place for you! At the Division of the Unintelligent and Remedial, we’ll cater to your slow learning and desire to loudly converse about subjects you don’t understand. At DUR it is our mission to accept everyone from the pompous idiots to the vacant and giggly! No admissions interviews or essays required! Call today to set up an appointment with a dim-witted and despondent counselor today!
I believe that unintelligent college students should be made to go to special schools, so they can’t ruin the learning process for their peers. Every day there is at least one person in class that will raise their hand with some ‘genius’ comment on the teacher’s lecture, only to open their mouths and utter a collection of words that make absolutely no sense. As soon as these particular students, the pompous idiots, are called on to share their comments, everyone in the class immediately exchanges annoyed glances and looks to the teacher as if to say “thanks a lot.” There also are the equally annoying vacant gigglers, who sit at the back of the class with a look of complete emptiness in their eyes and giggle as they raise their hand and proclaim to the classroom “I don’t get it!” and the empty questioners, who look as if they’re listening but at the last minute slowly yell out “Wait, … what?” and make the teacher start all over. Not only do these people infuriate everyone else with their total ignorance, they waste class time and keep the conversation from progressing into unexplored areas. Any students even somewhat serious about their education know the pain of having a teacher constantly repeat themselves, or stop class to reiterate their point yet again.
Think of how wonderful it would be to take all of these people who clearly aren’t mentally fit for a university education, and bring them together in a special school all their own. Taught by downtrodden faculty at a grueling pace with absolutely no talking allowed outside of questions because the teachers can’t take any more than that, separating these remedial or just plain ignorant students from the mainstream college campus would be a blessing to universities everywhere. Curriculum material could be covered in double the time! Thought-provoking discussion could continue uninterrupted! Writing classes could spend time critiquing structure and syntax instead of spelling and grammar! Joy obtained from learning could increase tenfold, and teaching would no longer make one feel like a well-paid babysitter! A sense of clever peace will descend upon the remaining students who will feel a new sense of fulfillment take the place of the unreasonable hostility previously dedicated to their brainless peers. Indeed it would be a beautiful day.
You may be wondering how these students will be chosen to attend such a substandard school but the answer is simple, nominations of course! Each year a student may be nominated by anyone who sees fit: instructors, parents, teachers, peers, superior thinkers of any kind, and will be observed in the classroom to determine their capacity. With the mind-numbing criteria met, these students will be made to transfer into the DUR of their choice. Although some tuition must be paid, each school will be government sponsored in the interest of sparing the rest of the masses from the educational tedium that would otherwise ensue. Academia will live on, and its students will give thanks, and persevere.