Why pay for that absolutely fabulous dress with money when you can hand the cashier a little plastic card? It’s not like you are actually giving them $300 – it is just added to the bill that you don’t even see at the end of the month. You have your accountant do all of that dirty work. You can get so much for so little. That hot sports car, the new smart phone that you need more than anything else on the planet, and that 70” plasma TV is all yours with just a swipe of your plastic rectangle.

Who cares about going into debt? 30% interest rates mean nothing to someone living their life to its fullest. “Live every moment like it is your last” right? You shouldn’t worry yourself about who is going to pick up the tab at the end of the month. Just let that debt pile on. You have more important things to worry about – like planning that vacation to the Bahamas, the trip to Vegas the week before, or how to mentally prepare yourself for your next plastic surgery – all made possible with your beloved piece of plastic that holds a special place in your heart, right next to your BlackBerry.

Worrying about finances and budgets is just too stressful. You should leave that up to the government, they are the ones with the recession on their hands. Stress is the reason many Americans today are overweight. Increased levels of stress are directly linked to gaining excess weight, so I believe that stress, and worrying about money, is the cause of the increase in population of overweight Americans. Thus, to counteract this dreadful correlation, we should all forget about “living at or below our means” and forget about our “means” altogether. Throw away all your useless money and get some plastic. It is so much more convenient. And you don’t actually have to “give” the cashier or salesperson anything. They just swipe that little plastic card, hand it back to you, and in a few seconds your dreams become reality and whatever you desire is yours. Let us all get a little thinner by becoming stress-free through our use of plastic.

In addition to money causing increased levels of stress in Americans, plastic may be used in a symbiotic relationship with retail therapy: shopping to your heart’s content with your most favorite little rectangle to help you forget about all the troubles of daily life. Retail therapy alone improves your mood by allowing you to obtain all the material items you want, so when combined with a plastic card – which makes money obsolete and seem stress-inducing – a duo unmatched in stress-reducing power is created.

Just as America was on the gold standard for the majority of the 20 century, we should now transcend to the next generation of economics and enter into the new age of the plastic standard. No longer will the United States have to worry about guarding its gold. Being on the plastic standard will make everyone a little more stress free, and so everyone will be able to shed that extra couple of pounds to fit into that old pair of jeans they’ve been dying to wear.

With all of the benefits of using plastic over paper or metal money clearly laid out – instant acquirement of any material object you desire and consequently instant gratification, stress-reducing rather than stress-inducing, augmenting weight loss instead of enhancing excessive weight gain, and the lack of any need for security or guarding of treasures – plastic is obviously far superior to paper and metal money. Let’s do America and its citizens a favor and pay for it with plastic.