At some point in college we have all experienced that moment just after we shake off our booze addled sleep, look around, and ask where the hell am I? This is a guide to the top ten locations to wake up in and what it could mean for you:
Much like the sole survivor of a plane crash in a deserted waste you awake to find yourself on an open expanse of land confused and just a little frightened. Whether it is on a quad, in a residential neighborhood, or in a city park a lawn is a bad place to pass out. You are completely exposed to the elements and subject to the many discomforts of rain, snow and wind. In addition to the many natural dangers of such a resting place you face the danger of being discovered by the police. By the time you awake odds are that someone has seen you and reported your location. You should quickly take your bearings and flee the area. Head for home or the nearest available McDonalds, whichever is closer, unless you are really hungry, then head to the D's. Chicken Nuggets FTW!
Should you wake up lying in a bush you would still face many of the challenges that you would face should you find yourself on a lawn. You would still be fairly exposed to the elements, there would still be the chance of attracting unwanted attention from the authorities, and you would still have to figure out where you are in relation to the nearest safe haven. There are several advantages to this situation however. For one, if you sink down far enough into the bush you can afford yourself some protection both from the weather and from discovery by the cops. Also, depending on the bush, you could be much more comfortable in this arrangement. Sunk into the leafy embrace of a hydrangea and having the sun kiss you softly awake can be a fairly pleasant experience. Still, the advice for this situation is the same; take your bearings and head for safety.
Note: It is important to distinguish between leafy bushes and thorn bushes. A small but very important difference which could mean either a pleasant nap or torn clothing and the unpleasant experience of using tweezers to pick thorns out of your butt while looking over your shoulder into a mirror.
Waking up on a bus can afford you all kinds of opportunities. As usual your first step should be to look around and take stock of where you are. This step can be even more important when on a bus than in an open location. DO NOT immediately get off the bus without figuring out where you are as this could strand you in a dangerous or remote area. First, what kind of bus is it? School, city, or private? If you are on a bus owned by your school then you are reasonably safe. It should return to campus eventually and from there you can make your way to your room. If it is a city bus, discover whether it is heading towards or away from your school. If it is going away get a transfer and head back, but if it is heading towards school then proceed as in the situation of finding yourself on a school bus. Should you find yourself on a private bus you should assess the people around you. What are they wearing? What are they talking about? If they are wearing t-shirts, carrying cameras, and talking about water slides then you may be heading towards an amusement park. Relax, and enjoy your surprise vacation. If they are all wearing matching jump/track suits and talking about things like enlightenment, the compound, and the master then you accidently joined a cult. Flee immediately, unless you lack direction in life and are looking for a higher power to guide you. If that is the case enjoy the ride, but don't drink the kool aid. The major drawback to passing out on a bus is the danger of being awakened by police. On a bus you are highly invisible and surrounded by people who feel that they need to "do something." When waking up on a bus act as normally as possible and try to get home without attracting too much attention.
A porch is the best place to wake up while still being outside. If you are on your own porch then just a few steps away is warmth, food and a bathroom. Passing out on a porch means that you have a roof overhead to keep off all but the worst rain and police will be less likely to approach you if they believe you are simply sleeping on your own porch. If the porch you pass out on is not your own then once again take your bearings and head for safety.
Passing out in a bathroom has both its advantages and its drawbacks. When you awake you have immediate access to water and a toilet. Most bathrooms have tile or wood floors however so you will most likely be very cold when you awake. The major drawback to a bathroom is the fact that well, it's a bathroom, and people have probably been using it as one even while you were passed out on the floor/in the tub. You could awake to find yourself mysteriously damp and smelling like a urinal. When you wake clean yourself up and emerge trying to act as though you had just gone in to freshen up, who knows, they might buy it.
Note: Should the bathroom have a mirror, use it. It does no good to wash your hands and comb your hair in an attempt to seem like you did not pass out in the bathroom only to walk out and have people laugh at the fact that while you were passed out someone took a sharpie to your face. Nothing says drunken mess like the word Sploog written in bold across your forehead.
You have passed out in the kitchen. Not a bad choice, though far from the best. Nearby you will find not only water to quench your burning thirst, but also food that will, hopefully, help to settle your stomach. As in a bathroom you will most likely be lying on tile/wood so you will still be cold. The kitchen trumps the bathroom with the advantage of removing you from the vicinity of any excess bodily fluids other than your own. Should you find yourself in the kitchen still smelling like the bathroom then you have more problems than just choosing poor locations to pass out and need far more help than this guide can provide, however check out my upcoming post So You Soiled Yourself In a Public Location, Now What?
4. Living Room Floor:
Passing out on the living room floor is an excellent choice. It is most likely carpeted and therefore gauranteed to be at least a bit warmer and softer than either the bathroom or kitchen floors. Take a few moments to relax. You may be a little stiff from lying on the floor, but you are comfortable enough to try to catch a few more minutes of sleep before rising and beginning to piece together the previous evening. Take a second to scan the floor around you looking for the remote. Should you find it you can begin scanning the channels looking for cartoons, or the price is right depending on what time it is.
If you pass out on a couch then you are a genius. Seriously, you are like the Stephen Hawking of drunks, minus the whole not being able to walk or speak, although depending on how much you drank the night before this actually could still describe you. The couch is soft, its warm, and what's this? A pillow! You have hit paydirt my friend. You should not even bother getting up because this is one of the best places you could have potentially ended up. Roll over and continue to snooze, of course shading your eyes all the while from the painful sunlight that is streaming in through the window.
2. Someone Else's Bed:
Alright, so even though you did pass out last night you must have still been coherent enough to find someone who would allow you to share their bed. Now this is one of the few times when you pass out indoors and still have to take stock of the situation. Do you know the person who is sleeping next to you? If not, do you at least remember their name? If so then you can still salvage this situation. If you do not know their name this writer advises you to cut your losses and try to slip out unnoticed because things would probably only end badly/awkwardly. If you know the person next to you then it is up to your discretion what you do next. Stay if you feel comfortable or don't mind awkward situations. If you don't feel comfortable or are excessively awkward either try to leave with a plausible excuse or slip out unnoticed, coward. Someone Else's bed comes with the advantages of blankets and a very comfortable resting location. Enjoy it for as long as you want, or until they kick you out because they have a lot of stuff going on right then, but they'll totally call you later.
1. Your Own Bed:
Congratulations. You have passed out in the best place possible short of Megan Fox's arms. Your bed is familiar, safe. You can either rest contentedly, or rise to stumble along the familiar path to your bathroom or kitchen depending on how the mood is striking you. Should you find yourself consistently passing out in your bed then you are most likely well adjusted and somewhat responsible. I would suggest drinking more. That should clear up those two character defects.