Now I know Eric is only junior, but he’s at the age where I wonder about his long-term future. To be honest, I am starting to get very worried about his chances of ever finding a wife. Don’t get me wrong, I love my little Eric, but honestly I can’t see how he is ever going to get a young lady to marry him. Here are a few reasons why girls will not look at Eric as a potential husband:
Immature Eating Habits: According to his sister who goes to college with him, Eric hardly eats breakfast! And when he does go to breakfast, apparently he eats soft-serve. With sprinkles. This is not something that girls will find attractive. I mean, he has the diet of a 10 year old. When he comes home for vacations he immediately requests that I go to the supermarket and pick up “a whole bunch of Lunchables and string cheese” for him.
Not Useful Around the House: Eric has trouble with even the simplest of chores. For instance, it is truly appalling how bad he is at wrapping presents. During Christmastime when the whole family is busy helping out with cooking, cleaning, and gift-wrapping, we just tell Eric to wrap the toys that we bought for the dogs. But he somehow even messes those up. I usually end up putting the dogs’ presents in those little gift bags when he isn't looking. The one thing Eric is good at is unscrewing tightly sealed jars for me. To be honest I can do it myself, but I like to give him feelings of confidence and worth.
Loves Video Games Too Much: I don’t see how Eric could love any girl more than he loves video games. He spends all day and night playing that Xbox online and arguing with other strange boys with names like “NoobSlayer69” over who should pick up the rocket launcher. He might as well get used to wearing that headset he uses to talk to his Halo buddies, because at this rate he’s going to need it when he’s working the drive-through. I don’t know how any girl is going to be good enough for Eric, considering he judges everyone’s worth based on only three things: how much they bench press, their online ranking in Halo, and if they like string cheese.
Bad at Cooking: Women love a man who can cook. Eric is not that man. He has trouble stacking the meat and cheese on his Lunchables crackers. One time my Ericy had the cute idea of baking cookies for his grandma. Let’s just say that we are lucky the firemen came as quickly as they did to save Grandma and little Eric. He was 19 at the time.
Worries Too Much About the Red Sox: I just don’t think many girls will tolerate Eric during baseball season. How can someone put up with a boy whose happiness is directly correlated with the ERA of the Red Sox’s middle relief pitching? If he’s not talking about the Sox, he’s ranting about how the Yankees are “a bunch of baby-eaters”. When the Red Sox lose, Eric mopes around the rest of the day and is pretty much unbearable to be around. To put this in perspective, the Sox typically lose about 70 times a season.
Collects Baseball Cards: Need I say more?