China thinks they're such hot s***s, censoring and internet-cockblocking important humanitarian issues and such. Google's recent move put a lot of pressure on the Republic. I say Google takes it a step further, censoring its own search results for certain searches within the Chinese borders. That way, we can maintain our near perfect image and maintain our unquestioned world dominance. Here are a few examples:
Block: Demetri Martin
Replace with: Various Wikipedia articles about gastrointestinal diseases
Why: If the Chinese public sees that someone as altogether 'funnyless' as Mr. Martin can make it in American comedy, the ensuing stampede would cause irreparable damage. 1.3 billion Chinese people running simultaneously would make one hell of an earthquake. Also, who would make the toys in my McDonald's Happy Meals? Tragedy averted.
Block: All-American Basketball Alliance [no really, Google it if you aren't in China, that is]
Replace with: Wilford Brimley diabetes commercials
Why: America cannot be portrayed as racist, especially in sports. The land of the free and home of the brave will not stand to see its reputation tarnished by such selfish dreams. What about Magic, or Jordan, or Wilt? Have these men done nothing to build one of America's greatest leagues, the NBA? Also, since the league excludes foreigners, China might take back Yao Ming, which would be devastating, to say the least.
Block:Wilford Brimley, diabetes commercials
Replace with: Boring videos of college campus tours
Why: It is no secret that all American diabetics have acquired the disorder through years and years of excessive consumption of junk food. We cannot allow Mr. Brimley to disgrace us on foreign networks by capitalizing on our gluttony. We appreciate the assistance, kind sir, but do you have to be so condescending? At least make up an acronym or name diabetes after a famous athlete. Give it some sex appeal. Right now, all we have is an old, white male. Enough's enough.
Block: Texts From Last Night
Replace with: Mythbusters, NRP
Why: Can't let the Chinese public know about how much fun we have over here or how wildly our college students live. If the word gets out, we'll sound like hypocrites when it comes to Tibet in terms of crimes against humanity. Just look at your average Friday night's TFLN lineup. While TFLN occasionally includes international area codes, it is primarily American. Let's not share our fun. We've never been good at it, anyway.
Block: American Apparel
Replace with: Gap, Macy's, Pac-Sun, etc.
Why: Two main reasons. 1) China can't see that we make our own clothes. They'll try to undercut and out source us. No Child Or American Clothes Manufacturer Left Behind. 2) American Apparel uses softcore porn as an advertising campaign. That's too much a symbol of democracy to be allowed into China.