We live in a world full of bigots, racists, and hate mongers. Everyday we cast judgments on each other, based on skin color, religion, gender, size, smell, clothing, hair style, even what grades they get. (Mom). Well I'm here to change all that. All of the stereotypes above will be abolished and replaced with one very accurate stereotype. What kind of beer pong player are you. It's quite simple, there are five categories that should encompass all of man kind (or at least those who participate in the sport of kings (or is that chess)). So, let's get to stereotypin'.
This person lives for beer pong, and he/she always has the same partner. They don't go to parties for fun, they go to crush the souls of all those who dare to face them. They practice at home, run drills, attend combines. They most likely have matching shirts, and definitely have a secret handshake that
they bust out when they're “pwning”.
This person can be quickly identified. Just listen for the following phrases, “I haven't played beer pong in forever,” “I don't even like to drink beer,” “Is there beer in that cup,” “I'm not used to this table,” “I think this ball is dented,” “I usually play by different rules,” “That doesn't count, I wasn't paying attention,” “Does anyone have a level, I feel like this table is uneven” “I usually play left handed, but I just switched yesterday,” “Our cups have less volume than yours,” “I can't play unless my song is on,” “My partner sucks.” Oh, and keep in mind, “The Excuser” plays every weekend, usually at the same
THE PICK-UP PONGER
This person doesn't play beer pong for sport, but rather uses it as the eharmony.com of drinking games. Instead of walking up to someone of the opposite sex and talking to them, this guy will find the hottest person he can and convince them to be his partner. Because once she agrees, he knows that they will be stuck standing next to each other for the next half hour. Once they are in his trap, they are forced to talk to each other. If he's a real pro/creeper he will convince them to lean over the cups as a “distraction” to the opposing team, but secretly just wants to see some cleavage. While this person usually won't win, (the game or the girl) it is a guarantee that as soon as the game ends, he'll be scoping out his next partner/victim.
THE BIG TALKER
This person in similar to “The Excuser” just with an extra tablespoon of douche. He/she is under the impression that they fall into “The Champion” category, but lack any real skill or finesse. Before they play, you will hear them talking themselves up as if they were the second coming of Jesus (although I heard he was more of a flippy cup guy). They are very familiar with every re-rack position, and the reproductive organ that goes along with it. It's just too bad they won't make enough cups to call one out. When he/she misses a cup (and that will happen a lot) two things may happen. First, a look of complete shock will come across their face, and they'll say something like, “What the fuck!” But won't follow it up with any reason or excuse, because deep down they know they suck. The second thing that will happen, if we're really lucky, is the ball will miss and bounce into another object. This object could be an empty cup, a pitcher of beer, the water/dirt/grass cup, a garbage can, a vat of acid, an open brain surgery, it doesn't matter because a smile will cross the big talker's face, the crowd gets ready to fake a laugh as he/she shouts, “Drink it!!!”
THE SUPERSTITOUS ONE
This person treats every shot like the last putt to win the Masters. It feels like hours before he/she gets one shot off. It starts with a ball wash, then three taps on the table, a quick blow, a toss from hand to hand, a couple bounces off the wall, a roll through the fingers, another blow from any observer who wasn't died of old age, three more bounces, crack knuckles, accidentally drop ball, start over, finally line up shot, begin to sway, sing three verses of what ever song is playing, rub ball on shirt, seven pump fakes, get frustrated, shake it off, line up again, beer reaches room temperature, shoot the ball, miss, shake partner out of coma and watch as he/she sinks it in 4 seconds, congratulate him/her, cry on the inside.