I've always had a pretty good relationship with my muscles. They help me lift things, they get me around the house, stuff like that. I'm not going to say I couldn't get by without them. I mean, I've got a car. But they've been good to me, it's true.

Lately, however, things have gotten a little testy. They've been spasming involuntarily. Involuntary on my part, you see. Now, I'm all for muscles' rights, don’t get me wrong. I think a muscle can have a relationship with any tendon it wants. But for muscles to just decide to spasm without consulting me? Not cool. Call me a control freak, but what if my car just decided it wanted to start driving in reverse while I'm on the highway? Or my coffee maker decided it wanted to make poison? That kind of thing can be dangerous.

Hypothetical: Let’s say I’m in my kitchen just doing some dishes. I’ve just begun to wash my favorite knife, Kirk. All of a sudden, the muscles in my right arm (my knife-ing arm) just decide they want to spasm upward toward my throat. And wouldn't ya know it, the blade catches my jugular. Then my roommate finds me on the kitchen floor in a pool of my own blood and there's a knife in my hand. He checks to make sure I'm not joking again, only to confirm I am in fact dead. He calls the coroner and they perform an autopsy, where they rule it a suicide. Now my parents have to bury their son, and all the newspapers are left to speculate why a man only at the beginning of his one-man-band career would want to kill himself. All because my muscles wanted to go on some sick, free-wheelin' joyride.

That's just not a risk I can take anymore.

I've decided I'm going to start spasming my muscles voluntarily from now on. Things have gotten out of hand, and I need to reassert control. Ya know, just give 'em a little shake every once in a while. Hopefully this will give my muscles their fix and I can get on with my day without incident. Hopefully.

If you notice your muscles are spasming, and you're pretty sure it wasn't your idea, take notice. I'm not saying oppress the spasms flat out, but just see where it goes. Monitor them closely. Because there is, in fact, a positive side to muscle spasms, if you can believe it. Maybe your muscle spasms make your fingers really good at crocheting. Or they make your legs exceptionally adept at roundhouse kicks. These are marketable spasms. The problem, of course, is that you never know when one is going to occur. But a sick roundhouse kick is a sick roundhouse kick, even if it takes place in line at the pharmacy. But once you notice your spasms putting your physical wellbeing in danger, or if they make you look stupid in front of that person you love, you should start to think about getting that shit under control. That’s the sobering realization I recently came to.

So, God willing, with a little diligence and a lot of luck, I can put these involuntary spasms to bed. Because I just can’t afford to accidentally stab myself in the throat. Not again.