Hey, yeah, just waiting for my friends. Yep. Man, where are they? They said 11:15 and it is 11:28 right now. 11:29! If they don't get here soon, we're going to miss all the beer. Maybe I'll just go in alone and get a cup now. Nah. It would be really lame to show up to a party alone. I'll just stand out here and stare at my phone. I'll put it back in my pocket every once in a while so I can take it out again with an indignant look, this way everyone clearly knows that I'm waiting for friends and not just standing alone outside a party like an a-hole. 11:31!


Hey, can I bum a light? And a cigarette? I try to only smoke when I drink, not just because I think it's healthier, but because it means I never have to buy cigarettes. Ahhh. Let me lean back against this recycling bin full of puke while I exhale. Look how cool I look. Are you looking? Of course you are. Watch me spit. Oh yeah. I started smoking two months ago just so I'd have an excuse to go outside when I had to fart while I was at the library. Ahhh. So cool.

 
Oh, hey, attractive smoker I was was just trying to talk to inside the party. Fancy meeting you out here! You said you were going out for a cigarette? I must have missed that. I'm out here because I have to send a really important text and the service in there is like yikes. Only 4 bars. Stupid Alltel. Do you use Alltel? No? No one uses Alltel? Ha! You're so right. I'm def gonna change providers. You're really cool and smart. Anyway, now that I've got you away from your protective friends, I'm going to try to make out with you.


Yes, we have to do this right here! I'm a c*nt! I'm an *sshole! That's all anyone else at this party knows about us! We're irrationally jealous even though we're both cheating on each other and we're definitely going to break up for the summer! We are? Well, f*ck you! F*ck you! We're not going to break up tonight, though, because one of us has a dorm room that's really nearby this party! We're going to apologize without meaning it so we can carry on with this vapid relationship until the next time either of us has a drink or goes on Facebook and the fighting starts again.
Yes, we have to do this right here! I'm a c*nt! I'm an *sshole! That's all anyone else at this party knows about us! We're irrationally jealous even though we're both cheating on each other and we're definitely going to break up for the summer! We are? Well, f*ck you! F*ck you! We're not going to break up tonight, though, because one of us has a dorm room that's really nearby this party! We're going to apologize without meaning it so we can carry on with this vapid relationship until the next time either of us has a drink or goes on Facebook and the fighting starts again.


Hey, baby. I miss you so much. I juss had to call you righ' now. We were craze to break up siss years ago. N'one undessands m'li you do. I said, no one unnersands me like you do. Who's zat with you? Jake? Who's Jake? Are you f*cking him?! Of course it's my business, you slut. Well guess what? I'm at a party right now. A really cool party at a much cooler college than yours. "Yale University," more like "Fail University." Hello? Hello? Ugh…Call home. Home! Hey, mom. I miss you so much. I juss had to call you righ' now.


I'm nod druk. I'm nod! I'm juss really tired. Less sit down righ' here. I'm gonna trip an end up sitting anyway. I do this every weekend. Isnit weird tha I still have friends? Din Madd look hot? Matt. Thas a hard name. Where's my phone?! Oh, righ' righ' I'm holding it. I can prolly only get away with being this much of a mess fer like one more semesser before all my dresses have grass stains and I starda getta double chin like my mom. Less sit down righ' here. Less sit. Where's my phone?! I'm nod druk.


Why am I always nice enough to drag her home every weekend? Right, because I'm her fat friend. Come on, Ashleigh, stop sitting down. Jesus! For some reason I still think that hanging out with you is going to make me popular on my own, but it won't! Get up. Somehow, even though I'm not the one lying in an old pizza box, I still look less attractive to that guy who's whimpering on the phone to his mom over there. Whatever. If he tries to talk to her I'll just be super bitchy. It's all part of the fat friend job.

Ugh, this is the reason my friends don't like inviting me to partiiiies. I started whining about how loud and crowded it was almost immediately, but I refuse to just leave by myself. Instead, I'm going to stand out here and drink this watery, putrid excuse for beer and make annoyed gestures at my friends through the window. I can't believe they like this lame party. This is the worst party ever, but for the rest of the week, whenever someone asks what I did over the weekend, I'm going tell them about how I went to the coolest party ever. Ugh, it's 11:31. I'm missing the SNL monologue. Eh, it's not like that show's even good anymore.