As our nation's 1.5 million college graduates enter a broken economy that's getting worse by the day, now is the best time in history to choose a path in the made-up work industry. And these Top 5 completely fabricated jobs are the perfect place to start a successful imaginary career:
5. Pumpkin Pie Smeller
Despite the recession, there will always be pumpkin pies that need sniffing, and the sniffing-pumpkin-pies industry is booming, with an increase of 500 percent from last year's numbers. You'll need experience in both pie eating and smelling, though a B.S. degree in baked goods is not necessary. Pay is $1 million a week, plus free pies and everyone loves you.
4. Jet Pack Pilot
The financial prospects for someone who thinks jet packs rule has never been better. The industry is searching for people with no experience to fly around in a jet pack while being awesome. The average pay is $5 million a week. Benefits include a lifetime of free cheeseburgers from Five Guys and you can now communicate with animals.
3. Water Slide Representative
This is probably the most work-intensive made-up job in the country, involving long days of laughing, splashing, and having a great time. Lots of water slides need riding during the summer months, though employees are given nine months of vacation out of the year. The salary breaks down to $25 million dollars a day, a free trip to the moon, and the ability to slam dunk.
2. Puppy Cuddling Technician
No matter what turn the economy takes, puppies are always in need of someone to cuddle with them. Knowledge of how adorable puppies are will help you land a job in this fast-growing, completely nonexistent industry. Expect full days, or half days, depending on what you feel like working, of tickling, petting, hugging, and taking naps with the cutest puppies in the world. Pay is $500 million per hour plus free cures for every disease in the world and access to a company car, which is an armored, missile-shooting T-Rex.
Note: The T-Rex really likes you.
1. Taco and Pizza Analyst
T&P Analysis positions have increased by 125% in people's imagination since last quarter. The only requirement to get this job is you have to be willing to give up some of your free time to eat a lot of tacos and pizza. Chillin' experience is a plus but not required. A position in this field could lead to a high-paying job in the beer-and-pizza-while-hanging-out-all-night-and-doing-whatever-you-want industry. Pay is only $900 billion per minute but you receive the ability to fly, and are invincible, and you can make chocolate appear out of thin air. And you get the T-Rex.
Though they didn't make the Top 5, these industries are also thriving in the made-up job market: Explosion Watcher, Foam Pit Tester, Couch Sleeping Technician, Hot Tub Instructor, Shotgun Shooter, Part-Time Trampoline Bouncer, and Well-Paid College Graduate.