Dr. Pootenburg: We are gathered here today to discuss the possible addition of a new member. Today, Tommy (age seven) had ten chicken wings for dinner and ate every single one.
Dr. Shickakolede: Alright Pootenburg, just what is going on here? We don’t normally hold board meetings to discuss such trivial matters. The child finished his food, he is in!
Dr. Pootenburg: Ah, he may have eaten the chicken off the bones, but the bones are still on his plate. We are the Clean Plate Club goddammit! His plate is not clean, he is out!
Miss. Tittustra: Boys! Settle down! You are both being completely ridiculous. Pootenburg, you cannot expect this poor child to eat the bones! They are not food. There is no edible food left on his plate! Of course the child is allowed entry!
Dr. Pootenburg: But that’s where you are wrong, Miss. Tittustra. He left a little bit of meat on every end of the flats, and he could’ve taken more meat off the very top of the drumsticks. Food is still on his plate, and his plate is not clean. He’ll have another opportunity tomorrow night. For now, we must decline his entry for the integrity of this prestigious club!
Dr. Shickakolede: This is outrageous! He is seven years old, Pootenburg! You cannot expect a seven year old to get all that meat! The consumption of chicken wings is not for the faint of heart. I applaud this young man for his valor!
Dr. Pootenburg: You are a fool, Shickakolede! We are no charity organization. The day you finished that cheeseburger was a dark day for this club indeed!
Dr. Shickakolede: How dare you, you miserable son of a bitch!
Miss. Tittustra: Be quiet, both of you! The Clean Plate Club is not about finishing food or cleaning plates! We are more than just a club! We are an ideal. To be among our elite is every American child’s dream! We cannot accept members based on the judgment we pass about the cleanliness of a potential member's plate! Because, honestly, no plate is clean after a meal! It must be washed. Even if a member licks all the crumbs off their plate! It is not clean, but just the opposite! If entry to this club is based entirely on how clean a plate is after a meal, then none of us should be members!
Dr. Shickakolede: By God, she’s right… POOTENBURG! Where did you get that gun?!
Dr: Pootenburg: Everything I thought I knew is a lie! Goodbye, cruel world—
Miss. Tittustra: NOOOOOO! I loved him! What have I done!?
Dr. Shickakolede: This meeting has taken a strange and horrible turn for the worse! What do we do now?!
Miss. Tittustra: I would say that we accept Tommy, but it turns out that their family dog just jumped up on the table and ate the bones off his plate.
Dr. Shickakolede: That settles it! In memory of Dr. Pootenburg, the dog is in!
Miss. Tittustra: The dog just choked and died on shards from the bones…
Dr. Shickakolede: That does it. I’m going home and finishing off a handle of whiskey.
Miss. Tittustra: As long as you don’t start a Clean Bottle Club afterwards… Ha ha.
Dr. Shickakolede: … Ha ha
Miss. Titustra: Ha ha ha
Dr. Shickakolede: Hahahahahaha
Miss. Tittustra: Hahahahahahaha!
Dr. Shickakolede: HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
Miss. Tittustra: Shickakolede! Put down that gun— NOOOOOOO!!!