We're starting up two new submission columns for Dorkly! Send your most pathetic moments of nerdery to dorklypwnmylife [at] gmail.com and all the hilariously terrible things you've overheard on Xbox to overheardonxbox [at] gmail.com.

When I was in elementary school, I was really into Pokemon. My mom was driving me and my brother to a store where they bought and sold trading cards, but I realized I had forgotten my cards at home. My mom wouldn't turn around, so I did the only thing I could think of. I sh*t my pants. To be fair, it was more of a shart. But the point is that it freaking worked.
-Alex, Pwn My Life

My ex-girlfriend called me while I was at work to say that she found my porn collection and was throwing them out. I didn't have a porn collection, so I was confused. She found my Dead@17 comics and thought they were cartoon porn mags. One of them was signed from a ComicCon. The tears welling up in my eyes probably didn't help the "I promise they're not porn" argument.
-Lee, Pwn My Life

"I'm gonna put my a**hole right on your mouth and plug your nose and blow a giant fart into it so your cheeks puff out."
-Anonymous, Overheard on Xbox

I was playing L4D with my brother one night and this guy tried breaking me because I'm a girl. He told me to suck his dick. I told him I couldn't because my raging 13 inch boner was in the way of my face and that he should deal with it. He left the lobby.
-Anonymous, Overheard on Xbox

I am having trouble finding a job. Not because of the lack of jobs, but because the only experience I have dealing with customers is from selling WoW gold.
-Kevin, Pwn My Life

I was walking with a friend when he stopped moving, tensed up, and closed his eyes. I asked him what he was doing. Apparently, he makes attempts to teleport at random times.
-Jacob, Pwn My Life

There was this one time where I was bitching out some 12 year old and he started saying "F*ck you" to me and I said "Don't say it too loud or your mommy will hear you." And no sooner did I hear him yelling to (I assume) someone else in the house, "But I didn't say that!" and then he left the game about 1 minute later. Suck it little kids.
-Anonymous, Overheard on Xbox

After taking Bio class I've realized I learned more about DNA from Jurassic Park than I did in the actual class.
-Jeff, Pwn My Life

I was in the last round of the finals of a 4v4 Gears of War tournament. Only 1 man left on each team and he snuck behind me for a grenade stick. I heard it and rolled toward the noise to pull the trigger on my shotgun. The grenade blew up and a cloud of smoke covered the screen. The scoreboard showed that I had the final kill and we all went crazy! It was the greatest moment of my entire life.
-Greg, Pwn My Life