Now, I believe in good dental hygiene just as much as the next guy, but sometimes there's just no fucking point in wasting your valuable time or energy with it. Who wants to be gargling mouthwash at night when you could be in bed happily whacking it to the thought/video of some girl gargling "something else" instead, which is scientifically proven to make you fall asleep faster afterward anyways. For example, say you've spent the entire glorious day outside in the vibrant sun; naturally, your skin is going to be a lot darker than it was before (barring the ones of you who were out too long and now resemble the love-child of Carrot Top and a fucking lobster). Your darker skin, in turn, makes your pearly whites look pearlier and whiter than those sum-bitches have ever looked. Sha-bamski! That new tan just got you out of brushing for a week. But don't thank me yet, there is one group of people that this rule doesn't apply to…..

god-damned Gingers.


If you freckle faced fuckin freaks (no offense, just admire the alliteration) try this you will fail miserably and get laughed at more than you already do. You cannot tan so don't even bother trying. It just annoys every other normal human being who has to look at your ghoulishly pale ass while it blinds us with your reflection of the sun. Not to mention, ridding every male beach goer of their "peeping-tom" boner we all go to the beach for in the first place. Dicks.


NOTE: Once that week or so of a fantastically bronze visage starts to fade, you are eventually going to have to go ahead and brush those temporarily neglected bad-boys. Contrary to popular belief, people actually want to kiss occasionally. It's not all hot-filthy-slippin-slidin BJ's all the time (We didn't make the rules.) BUT KNOW THIS!… When you do polish up, do NOT brush your tongue IF drunk or hungover. There will be an inevitable disastrous disgusting ending.