The following are a collection of the essential elements of any college story. No matter what college you attend, any true collegiate story will have these components. In order for a story to be truly deemed “college” by the Asher Roth College Fundamentals Foundation, it must contain at least 10 of the proceeding stipulations. They are all equal in importance, save for the first option, which must be contained in every story. After each element is an example of how one could include said element in their story:

Excessive Consumption of Alcohol: “Dude, me and K-Fly downed a 30 of natty ice each before we even started pregaming.” (note: essential to all stories)

Theft: “I grabbed the NO TRESPASSING sign off of the fence by the preschool for blind kids and just took off.”

Drinking Games: “We went 487-1 on the pong table that night, and honestly, who plays bounce shots?”

Damage to Public/Private Property: “After I got back, I threw his George Foreman Grill off the 6th story and broke the picnic table below.”

Regurgitation: “Bro, I spent the next hour in T-Money’s bathroom puking all over the shower curtains and his roomate’s towels.”

Unreasonable Time Frame: “She and Ricky didn’t get back to the apartment until 4 a.m. Sunday after they went to the pregame at the Beta house on Thursday night.”

Blackout: “The last thing I remember was chugging a bottle of Captain’s at 10, and then I remember peeing on Domino’s delivery car at like 4 a.m. while some homeless guy was asking me if I wanted to hear a joke for a quarter.”

Phone Issues: “Yo, I didn’t have service/lost my phone/phone died/dropped my phone in the toilet while doing a beer bong in Joey C’s friend’s girlfriend’s bathroom at her apartment, so I had to walk 12 miles back to campus with no shoes and no left sleeve.”

Unexpected Pain/Injury: “I woke up with a huge gash across my left cheek that I must have gotten from Katie’s soccer cleet while we were playing Scattergories.”

Unanticipated Hookup Between Guy/Girl: “She was so wasted that she actually fucked that dude with one leg/6 fingers/bad reputation/who pissed his pants in the dog house during the Halloween party at Cosmo’s house.”

Food Consumed in some Unreasonable Way: “We pulled up to McDonald’s just as they switched to the breakfast menu and begged the guy for 20 minutes to cook us some chicken nuggets, and it turns out he knew V-Town’s old gym teacher from soccer camp so he did.”

Seeing Someone in an Unexpected Place/Time: “He ran into Nicky Spitz over by the railroad tracks at 5 a.m. while he was carrying a keg and a box of Zebra Cakes.”

Unfamiliar Place to Wake Up In: “Ralph woke up in the front yard of a rabbi in North Dakota.”

Hangover: “Dude, I was so fuckin’ hungover.”

Missed Class/Assignments: “I was so wasted that I forgot I had to present for Marketing the next day so I e-mailed the teacher to tell him I missed class because I have tuberculosis.”

Near Physical Altercation: “If he asked her where the bathroom was one more time, I was gonna smash the lava lamp or the Buzz Lightyear figurine over his head.”

Marijuana: “Dude, I was so fuckin’ blitzed that I spent 3 hours watching As Told By Ginger and Kablam without any sound while microwaving Girl Scout Cookies.”

Law Enforcement Involvement: “The cops showed up and said the neighbors were complaining about the slip n’ slide covered in GoGurt that we set up in their backyard.”

Running: “After the cops showed up/we stole the chair/her boyfriend walked in/I realized I only had 5 minutes to buy a bag of Spicy Sweet Chili Doritos and a Mountain Dew Code Red before the gas station closed, I fuckin’ took off.”

Drunk Dialing/Texting (Receiving or Sending): “I called my ex-girlfriend at 5 a.m. and I guess I left her a message telling her about how much of a raging, dick-wielding cuntmobile I thought she was, and I guess I said she didn’t deserve feet.”

Random Friendships: “I ended up talking to this guy at the bar for like 3 hours about how he used to be in the UFC but broke his pelvis so he had to be a substitute teacher to pay off his medical bills.”

If you feel any crucial elements were left out, please suggest them.

And remember, if the story ain’t college, then it ain’t worth tellin’.