What’s hairy, smelly, and loves money? No….I’m not talking about your Asian wife and her vagina. BUMS!! Homeless guys, Hobos, Dirty Santas, your Uncle Joe; the nicknames are countless. These cat-piss perfumed angels line the streets of America, holding up “Will Work For Food” signs for hours on end, scraping and clawing for every last cent thrown there way. Millions of cars pass these trench-coat clad model citizens each day, but if you really think about it……..how often do you ever see a person give a homeless guy anything?

There's a reason for this catastrophic hobo neglection…..besides that we're all dicks. Bums used to be the people we all aspired to be like: living life completely plastered, pissing wherever they pleased, having full conversations needing only themselves, and of course constructing endless cardboard box clubhouses (who didn't do that shit as a kid.) Yes, I dare say these imaginative rancid little pieces of shit were America's heroes. But just like retarded polar bears and women that look good AND know how to cook….the homeless are in danger of extinction.

We live in a world that, with each passing day, is becoming more and more technological. The dollar is no longer common while the debit card now reigns supreme. With spare change no longer a viable commodity, the homeless may soon find themselves out of a job and looking for a new profession. It's only logical that at first the homeless would try to take over the other profession that's cash-only oriented: Prostitution. An epic battle of wits would ensue between the two sides……finally bringing closure to the age old question of what would win in a fight: crabs or lice. Their natural rotten onion ambiance would propel the homeless to victory. From there, it won't be long until you find cross-dressing bums on every street corner offering BJ's and pickle-touching for a nickel and a biscuit, and just who the fuck wants to pay for that on a lonely Tuesday night?


Two of America's proudest pastimes are in the twilight of their disease-infested lives……..gone too soon. gone too soon.