This Week’s RIGHT OPINION: Bigfoot is alive and well, controlling mankind’s trains from his lair at the earth’s core. ~Submitted by Grant H., CT
Watch out, myth nerds – you’re about to be pwn3d by Bigfppt.
Bigfoot exists. After all, the only people that say otherwise are “Scientists,” or “Beaker Bitches,” who believe that imagination is a crime and routinely punish children for dreaming. “But why do you believe he is at the earth’s core?” you might ask. “Don’t interrupt me when I’m dropping knowledge,” I might answer.
Over hundreds of years of attacking and looting humans and their villages, Bigfoot has amassed a large fortune over which he currently sits protectively. The proof? When you rearrange the letters in “Sasquatch,” they spell “Cash Squat.” (They also spell “Cat Squash,” which we can all agree Bigfoot has done many times.)
Now, imagine you’re Bigfoot. You’re looking for a hideaway to protect your fortune. Would you choose the cold, snowy mountains? No, you’d go somewhere no one would ever think to look for a hairy beast – the Earth’s Core. Now, keep imagining you’re Bigfoot. Try putting on your sneakers. You can’t, you’re Bigfoot. Try having compassion and mercy for mankind. You can’t, you’re Bigfoot. Try making love to your girlfriend. I won’t interrupt. That’s it… yeah.
Just as some people can’t understand innocent sexual role-playing fetishes, some people can’t understand why Bigfoot would want to control trains. It’s simple: Bigfoot watched Young Frankenstein and identified with the main character. He became a huge Gene Wilder fan and subsequently rented Silver Streak, his 1976 train comedy co-starring Richard Pryor. Now, from the earth’s core, he uses the planet’s magnetic field to manipulate trains into re-enacting that thrilling and hilarious film.
Now, imagine I’m Bigfoot. Can I think of a more convincing way to end this column? I can’t, I’m Bigfoot. And I’m squashing cats.
That’s not just my opinion – that’s the Right Opinion.
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