Scott: Hello everyone, and welcome back to the nineteenth annual World Cup! Of course, the term “World” is a bit misleading here, as every team participating is either from the United States or southeastern Canada.

Bill: Do any other places really matter, Scott?

Scott: Not until they make their names easier to pronounce, Bill! Now, let’s see how things are going down on the field.

Bill: Well, it looks like the Dallas Christ Worshippers are still up against the Indianapolis Terrorist Punchers 35-28, but we’ve entered the Ultra Sexy Violent Sudden Death Round, so anything can happen. Dallas forward Rick Johnson currently has the ball. He’s gearing up to take a shot, and…

Scott: And Indianapolis goalie Jay Stevens shoots the ball apart with his pistol before it can reach the goal! It’s no good!

Bill: What do you think about letting the goalies use guns during the game, Scott? It seems like it gives them an unfair advantage to me.

Scott: It’s their god-given right as Americans, Bill.

Bill: Ah, I guess you’re right. And now, to decide which team gets possession of the new ball, we’ll have a bikini mud wrestling match between Dallas head cheerleader Jessica Biel and Indianapolis head cheerleader Jessica Alba.

Jessica: Before we get started, I have something I need to say: Jay, I’m pregnant. But you’re not the father.

Jay: What? You SLUT! Wait, which Jessica are you?

Jessica: Alba.

Jay: You SLUT!

Scott: Ooh, it looks like we have a little dispute here. Luckily, our referees have been trained to handle this exact type of situation.

Jerry Springer: Calm down, Jay. Now, would you like to know who the real father is?

Jay: Hell yes!

Jerry Springer: Well, he’s right backstage—backfield, excuse me. Ron, would you come out here please?

Jay: Ron? My own teammate? Oh, you are so dead!

Scott: And Jay and Ron are going at it, people! I haven’t seen a brawl like this since that game earlier today! If only the refs weren’t legally barred from breaking up fights!

Bill: We’re going to take a quick break, but make sure you stick with us until the end of the game to see the members of the losing team shot out of a cannon into a fiery crocodile pit and the members of both cheerleading squads have an orgy.

-click-

Joe Six-pack: God, soccer sucks. You want to put the NFL Network on?

John Q. Public: Absolutely.