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Earlier on in the year, I would have this bad habit of walking in on my dorm mate and his girlfriend during intimate moments. Eventually, I caught on to the habit of knocking every time I arrived at our room door. My roommate would then answer the door, half naked while his girlfriend on the bed would be yelling "Why are you answering the door?!"
3 weeks ago, at my favorite spot on the beach, I tell my girlfriend of 9 months that I'm in love with her. She responds only with "I know." A week later she unexpectedly announces that she's quitting her job, breaking up with me, and moving to Texas to live with her sister. I suck.
I was at a party and I ended up convincing this decent looking girl to let me walk her home. When we got to her place, she invited me in and we decided to have a few drinks. After talking for a bit, things got heated and we were soon both naked on her bed. Unfortunately, the two extra beers I had must of tipped me over the edge because I could not get it up if my life depended on it. This was the first time it ever happened to me so I was obviously very embarrassed about it. I started apologizing to her and gave the "I swear, this never happened to me before" speech, to which she responded by giggling uncontrollably and leaving the room. She then proceeded to wake up her roommate to tell her all about my erectile dysfunction. I could hear them both laughing hysterically at me through the wall as I sat on her bed, completely defeated, hating every inch of my fully flaccid penis. I quickly picked up my stuff and took the 20 minute walk back to my friend's place. I was on the brink of tears b*tch.
When I saw the movie Moon with Sam Rockwell (awesome, amirite) I told my girlfriend that she should watch it. After she did she texted me saying she didn’t like it and found it boring. I jokingly text back saying, "I thought you were cool." She shut off her phone and ignored me for the next 6 hours…
One starry night a few years ago I was dating a fine young lass and decided to take her out to dinner at a nice pricey Manhattan Restaurant. A good friend of mine tends bar at this place so we got a good deal. At the end of the night my buddy sends us over a piece of peanut butter pie, which was incredibly delicious. I am lactose intolerant and blinded by my desire to get my dates pants off, I dug in head first. The pie was loaded with heavy cream. Fast forward a few hours on the subway ride home. Glurp! gurgle gurgle I start sweating bullets. She starts asking me what the problem is and with a red face I explain to her what is wrong. Finally we get to her stop and I can barely walk off the train the pain of holding my diarrhea in is crippling. So as I'm duck walking to her place the pressure becomes too great and I shit my pants in furious fashion. We wound up dating for two years after that what a trooper.
During my first year of college I had been involved with some women that were less than reputable, and I thought it would be a good idea to get an STD test. I walk into the doctor's office and she asked me If I had peed before I got there. I informed her that yes I had. She said that was fine, but she would have to give me the cotton swab test as my pee would not be adequate. She proceeded to insert a Q-tip into the tip of my penis and twist for about 15 seconds. I eventually blacked out and woke up on the floor of the doctor's office in a pool of blood with a broken nose and a roomful of doctors/nurses looming over me. Awful experience, but at least I know I don't have Chlamydia.