So today is Valentine's Day, and all over the country, girls are doing sweet, adorable things for their boyfriends because they care about them, and their boyfriends are doing sweet, adorable things for their girlfriends because they care about them and also because they have to, or they can expect that they only thing touching their dong will be their own hand.

Therefore, as the caring girlfriend, I think it's only fair that we should do a few things in return for the boy that loves me—and ladies, I think you should all do the same.

Some of you may know about a holiday coming up in March—Steak and Blowjobs day, March 14th. On this day, I will be making my man a nice juicy T-bone while wearing nothing but an apron and stilettos. There will be no dinner conversation because we will both have our mouths full. And mine won't be with steak.

Valentine's Day, birthdays, Steak and Beej Day—those are special days in a relationship, but what about the rest of the year? A healthy relationship should have a balanced amount of affection year-round.

And last Sunday, I had a brilliant idea. In the sad, lonely, football off-season, what is there to do on this holy day of the week? Usually, the answer is only laundry. And we all know how much that blows.

Wait a second? Blows? Laundry? Sunday? Well you do have all this time on your hands, and your boyfriend can't do his laundry for shit, despite the fact that
both you and his mother, and perhaps even his pledges have told him that you need to separate your whites and colors, and your reds and pinks.

And laundry takes a long time. Assuming you've finished your homework for the weekend (or you just don't feel like doing it), you need a way to kill time while his laundry is in the machine.

The answer is lounging around in his bed watching TV in the next room.

I hearby declare all Sundays in the offseason to be Football and Blowjobs day. The only request I have is that I get to pick the channel on the TV. My boyfriend and I usually watch the History Channel. Sometimes we put NPR on the radio. That was I can learn and I won't try to sing along. And by the way, I'm serious.

And this is a two way street, boyfriends. If your girlfriend is sad, you go down on her. I suppose that's an upside to being a Bills fan.