Fellow velociraptors,

None of us would disagree it’s been a confusing month. For one, we’re not extinct anymore. For two, instead of having a lot of different dinosaur species to hunt and eat, we have zero dinosaur species to hunt and eat. We can only hunt and eat these cows, which we don’t really even hunt since they’re lowered to us by that magic hand thing. And for three, there’s that one dream we’ve all been having, the one where none of us have actual mothers or families but were instead created in a bright bubble and placed here as part of an ethically dubious effort to defy mortality in the name of science and family entertainment.

Call me crazy, but I think all these things might be correlated with some of the other strange things we’ve been experiencing, like how we’re all a little farsighted, or why we all think our name is Deborah. It’s all a little eerie, but in order to get to the bottom of things, we’re going to need to make a stronger effort at getting along with one another. I can’t say for sure why we went extinct the first time around, but I imagine we might’ve fared better had we demonstrated a little civility. So let’s not repeat history.

For starters, why don’t we work on sticking to the cow-killing rotation? I know we’re all eager to slaughter things with our foot claws, but taking turns is best for communal satisfaction. Also, we all need to note that pooping and the regurgitation of cow parts should not happen in the water hole. It’s not a river, and therefore it does not automatically filter or replenish itself. These new habits might take a while to get used to, but a courteous coexistence depends on them.

Furthermore, I think we might need to reassess how we approach interpersonal chemistry. All the hissing and screeching and paranoid eye-darting—it seems to put everyone on edge. If you feel the need to demonstrate such behavior, might I suggest one the following: (1) Scratching your tail on a tree, (2) playing with a baby, (3) digging for bright rocks, or (4) praying to Allah. These are all easy, proven stress relievers that I guarantee will make things less hectic.  

You guys probably wish that I’d just leave you alone and stop being such a nag, but I know that I’m not the only one here who wants things to be different. I’ve overheard some of the nasty things you’ve called me—VelociCraptor, Doucheasaurus Sux, Herbivore, to name a few—but don’t forget about all the times I told everyone not to run into the wall because it would shock you, and no one listened, and eventually someone got very seriously shocked, and the magic cow hand thing had to take her up for medical attention, and everyone wished that they had listened to me. Not saying that I’m always right, but perhaps this another one of those times where you should suck it up and heed my advice. One for all and all for one, right? Right.