I would have my testicles slowly mashed into turkey gravy by a fat chick in nothing but heels and a “Team Edward” shirt before I bought these products-

  1. The Dyson “Air Multiplier” 

The other day I was in the kitchen pouring myself another glassful of delicious Arizona Ice Tea when I heard a familiar voice coming from living room-

“The fan, nothing much wrong there. Leaving aside blades, safety grills, and limited settings, the design’s hardly changed much since 1890. Spinning blades chop the air and cause annoying buffeting.”

WHO THE FUCK IS TALKING SHIT ABOUT BUFFETING?!” I shouted as I ran into the room, chucking my glass of tea against the wall.

Startled, my roommates cowered back into their seats on the couch, looking fearfully back and forth between the television and I.

“Dude, chill out… It’s just a commercial,” stammered one of them.

“Yea, its this new fan that doesn’t use blades… Its actually kind of cool…” admitted another right before I picked up a sandstone drink coaster from the coffee table and corrected him in the face.

The truth is I knew who was talking shit about buffeting before I even left the kitchen. It was James Dyson, with his holier-than-thou British accent and European self-entitlement selling his latest invention aimed directly at pissing me off.

Meet James Dyson-

James here got sick and tired one day of fans being too much like fans, so like any other billionaire industrial designer he decided to change that shit immediately (or “Forthwith” as he would say).

This is what he came up with- The Dyson “Air Multiplier.”

The Dyson “Air Multiplier” is the first commercial fan without blades.  How can it not piss people with its presumptuous tagline- “No blades. No buffeting.”

I like buffeting. I eat that shit for lunch, fall asleep to it, then wake up and drink it on my way to fucking work. It’s my G1, G2, and G3, except it’s just fucking wind and I like it.My ideal fan would just be a machete attached to a weed whacker. That way you get the soothing white noise of lawn equipment with the unique wind buffeting of a Somalian coup.

According to the commercial, “the Air Multiplier uses airfoil technology to release a steady stream of smooth air.” While my roommates were all simultaneously releasing a steady stream of pants-salmon at this “brilliant invention,” I remained unimpressed.

In the commercial, Dyson himself describes how the blades on conventional fans cause “annoying” and “unsettling” buffeting. I agree, fan blades can be quite annoying—

Take into account the Dyson "Air Multiplier"'s  $300+ price tag and what you're left with is an expensive Vornado which most valuable utility is ventilating your pudding-pouch in relative safety.

Don’t worry ladies, they made one for you too-

Buying the Dyson “Air Multiplier” for another person says “I hope this expensive gadget gift will make up for all those times I ignored your emails about “catching up” with each other and how I accidentally forgot your birthday because you’re not on Facebook. With that said, I hope this fan imparts upon you the most climate of crotch-weather.”

If you buy this product for yourself you are basically admitting “I’m an overpaid douche who happened to wander into the fan section at Bed Bath and Beyond while looking for K-cups for my Keurig single cup coffee maker. I like to keep this thing running next to my European bidet because nothing chaps my ass like a regular fan buffeting my genitals after an ambiguously homo-erotic ass cleansing.”

Also beware if you see a lady with the “Air Multiplier.” Nothing screams “yeasty confection” like the Taco Tower.

There were a few other products I was going to put on here (@StupidShoeHornOnAStickForOldPeople) but I’m running out of keyboards and fingers to break. Get bent.