Andy, could I see you over here for a minute?  Thanks. 

Andy, let’s talk about the mock “inspirational speech” you wrote for our Public Speaking class last Friday.  I went over the paper copy of your speech after you delivered it because a lot of what I was hearing seemed to me to be…well, really f*cking familiar.  You have anything to say to that? 

Oh, you don’t know what I’m talking about? Okay. This, as you may or may not remember, is your opening line:

“Eleven score and ten years ago, our fathers brought forth on this continent, a new nation, conceived in Freedom, and dedicated to the idea that everybody is the same.” Andy, you stole that sh*t from the Gettysburg Address. 

Oh, you wrote it first?  Right.  Right.  I’m sure Abe Lincoln ripped YOU off. Oh, I’m a little bitch? Okay, Andy.

Later on you wrote that the founding of America was “a small step for man, but a giant leap for mankind.”  I’ve seen Neil Armstrong say that. I’ve seen him say it! Neil, come in here. Neil, what was your favorite part of Andy’s speech? What’s that? “The parts I wrote,” he says. Ohhhh sh*t, Andy!

Yeah, okay – maybe you both had the same idea. I guess that could happen. How about your summary? “Ask not what your country can do for you.  Rather ask what you can do for your country.  Where’s the beef?  Just do it.” Andy, I don’t even have words for that.  That’s JFK mixed with Wendy’s and Nike.  You ripped off a dead president and two large corporations. What’s that? I’m secretly in love with you? F*ck you, Andy.

Look, Andy – if that is really your name – I write my own lesson plans every day. I’m inspired by other teachers, but I don’t rip off their lesson plans! Oh, I’m not a teacher? Class, am I a teacher?! That’s right!

You’re a good performer, but Andy, you’re a thief. Don’t even try to argue. I’m serious. Andy, you say one more f*cking thing, I’m going to double-leg you, slam you on your skull, and put you out with a rear-naked choke. I’ll do it, you fat f*ck!


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