Life is pretty confusing, but there are three things I know for sure: the world is round, whiskey is delicious, and sharks are bad ass. “Hey Colin, those first two seem obvious, but why the comment about the sharks?” Well dear reader, that is because everything in the ocean is scared of sharks. Hell, humans are scared of sharks and we don't even live in the water.

The separation between man and shark lends itself to a sense of curiosity. The Discovery Channel knows this, hence the creation of Shark Week. It's not hard to enjoy it, but there are ways to make it better.


1. Grow a dorsal fin.
The best way to appreciate something is to experience it. It's why anime fans go to Japan, why Tyra Banks wore a fat suit, and why Mel Gibson should probably go to Israel. As a bonus that problem you've had with rolling while swimming should go away.

2. Buy some alcohol.
Without alcohol it's going to be quite difficult to play any shark-related drinking games, and that's half the fun of Shark Week. Do you really want to slam apple juice every time there's a slow motion shot of a shark leaping out of the water? The answer to that riddle is no, so go grab yourself an ale or a lager.


3. Try not to become scared of the beach.
If you let the Discovery Channel get in your head about sharks you might be prone to beach avoidance for the rest of the summer. There is still a month of quality beach time left and since your name probably isn't Quint or Hooper you head back to the water's edge…when Shark Week is over.

4. Take a long bath.
Sharks spend their whole life in the water, the least you can do is spend some quality time in the tub. Focus your energy on getting the atmosphere right. Some sharks can smell blood in the water in amounts as small as one part per million, so incorporate that into the experience. I haven't checked their catalogue recently, but I'm pretty sure Body Shop sells blood-scented incense. Well, either them or Hot Topic.


5. Make sure you watch Mythbusters.
Remember, the Discovery Channel is still the Discovery Channel. That means that even if it's Shark Week, the best show on is going to be Mythbusters. Though I'm concerned for Jamie Hyneman. This could be the year that a shark finally mistakes him for a walrus and eats him.

With all of this in mind you could have the best Shark Week ever. I hope you enjoy it as much as I do. After all, I love shark week. And I love real dirty things. I love to go fast. I love Egyptian kings. I love the whole world, and all its craziness. Boom de ah da, boom de ah da, boom de ah da, boom de ah da.