If you’re reading this, you probably fall into one of two categories. You either had a few minutes of spare time or, sadly, you’re an idiot who actually wants to become an insufferable asshole. If you fall into the second category, this guide will help you reach the upper echelon of assholery. If you just said to yourself “assholery isn’t a word, moron” you’re probably already an asshole and this guide is for you.
There are five easy to follow steps to becoming an insufferable asshole. It’s very important to start at the beginner’s level and work your way up. Once you’ve mastered every level in that category, simply move on to the next one.
Let’s do this, bitches.
Step One- Mastering the Creation of Awkward Situations
Being caught in an awkward situation can be, well, awkward. There are many different types of awkward situations that can happen on a day to day basis. We’ve all been there before. You’re sitting at a table in a restaurant, staring down the shirt of the waitress clearing the table across from you. She feels like she’s being watched and looks up to find you gazing at her gazongas.
A normal, respectable person fears being caught in an awkward situation. An insufferable asshole smells this fear and exploits it.
Here are some practice exercises that will help you ascend the asshole ladder.
For the beginner- When in a crowd, toss something at the head of the largest person in said crowd. When he or she turns to find the idiot who pelted them, immediately offer your assistance by pointing to someone else. When the pissed-off giant begins assaulting the innocent and unlucky son of a bitch you set up, leave.
For the intermediate asshole- Pay a visit to your nearest all you can eat buffet. Chances are you’ll see a few dozen fat women there. Maybe, if you’re lucky, there will be a fat women eating with her husband or boyfriend. Once you find your target, approach her and tell her she’s glowing or whatever it is that pregnant women do. Before she can respond, loudly ask her when she’s due and if the man dining with her is the father. This will make them angry and aggressive, which in turn creates an awkward situation for the people at the surrounding tables. [Note: if you’re slow or overweight, stick to the beginner’s exercise, fatty.]
For the advanced asshole- When at a restaurant, keep an eye out for a young couple sitting nearby. Make sure the woman doesn’t not have a ring on her left hand. If the man gets up to hit the head, make your way over to the women. Sit across from her at the table and tell her you have a secret for her. Inform her that you were at the restaurant a few days earlier and saw the man at her table talking to the manager. You just happened to over hear them discussing the man’s plan to propose to her over dinner. Be sure to keep it simple yet romantic. For example, tell her that after the waiter brings their entrees to the table, the man will be popping the question shortly thereafter. She will be anxious for this moment to arrive. When it doesn’t, she will be upset and be a bitter bitch the rest of the evening and possibly the rest of their relationship. Maybe you’ll get lucky and try this exercise only to find a women who doesn’t want to get married. Imagine how tense the rest of the dinner will be for that poor bastard.
For the expert- If you created a situation that started an argument, go buy a lottery ticket, you lucky asshole. You’ve skillfully set up the next situation. Let the argument gain steam before you ask for the restaurant’s manager. You can then have the manager ask the angry couple to quiet down. This will most likely cause the couple to make a scene. An awkward scene.
Step Two- Ruining Things for Non-Assholes
A truly insufferable asshole takes great pleasure in ruining things for normal, well adjusted people. Here’s four fantastically fun exercises for you to try.
For the beginner – If a friend has been eagerly awaiting a movie or episode of their favorite TV show but can’t watch it when it premiers, spoil the hell out of it. Make a point to see the movie on opening night or the episode before your friend can watch it on their DVR. After watching it, promptly call or text your friend and enthusiasticly ruin the twist at the end for them. People hate this. When the friend says you ruined it for them, give a half assed apology that you don’t mean. Harsh? Maybe, but you’re an asshole in training and you just don’t care.
For the intermediate asshole- Crush the souls of innocent children. Visit the local hardware store and fashion yourself a banner. Paint a message on it, preferably one that announces that Santa is fake or that parents are the tooth fairy. Once that’s finished, head over to your local gradeschool and hang the banner somewhere on the playground where the kiddies are sure to see it. There is no greater pleasure in an asshole’s life than to see a child cry.
For the advanced asshole- Scan your local paper’s entertainment section for the opening of a new restaurant. Bonus points if you find a locally owned mom and pop joint. Stop by one evening for a bite. On your way, pay a visit to the local pet shop. Buy a few crickets or a mouse or two. Once you’ve done this, go to the restaurant. Every restaurant has a signature dish. Order it and let the fun begin. Half way through your meal, slip the crickets or mice out of your pocket and discretely toss half onto an occupied table nearby and the other half on your own plate. Scream bloody murder and smile as a family’s life savings go down the drain.
For experts- Head to the local bookstore and pick up a copy of the newest bestseller. You can either read it or Google for how it ends. The bigger the twist, the better. Scan page one forty-seven from your copy. Why page one forty-seven? By that point, most people are committed to finishing the book. This is crucial. On the scan you made, make a few changes. Nothing major, just give away the ending. If you didn’t catch the sarcasm in that sentence, you should read the guide ‘How to Stop Being a Stupid Ass’. Once you’ve made the edit, print it out on paper that is similar to the paper that is used for the pages of the book. Grab a glue stick and a bunch of copies then head back to the book store. Take a few minutes to glue your copies over that particular page in the book. You probably won’t get to see the reaction of the readers when they come across your gift. Don’t let this take away from the joy of ruining the lives of others, one bit at a time.
Step Three- Being That Guy in public
Everyone has been out in public before and experienced a That Guy. You know, the guy that everyone points at and tells their kids not to be that guy. Well, my friend, you can be that guy. It’s actually easier than you may think.
For the beginner- Go to a local Mexican restaurant and order the spiciest, beaniest dish they have. Then, as soon as possible, head to the local hospital. Spend some time in the elevator. Time it right and when the car is at full capacity, fart. Fart often. Enough said.
For the intermediate asshole- Most newer Wal-Marts have a dressing room area that has a seating area nearby. I personally think this is awesome. Here’s why. Most women shop for clothes with at least one other person, usually another woman. They also, usually, like to get the opinion of their friend. This requires them to leave the security of the dressing room booth. Here’s where you come in. Camp out in a chair in the seating area. Wait for a door to open and let ‘er rip. Inevitably, the woman will say “how’s this one?” or “does this make my hips look narrower?” The friend will always sugarcoat it. When you hear this, offer your two cents. Be brutally honest. Women like to know exactly what men think of their bodies. It’s a real self esteem builder. Jackpot if you can do this during swimsuit season.
You’re halfway there. Congrats, prick.
For the advanced asshole- Before you leave Wal-Mart, pick up a case of beer and one of those $8 dollar shirts of either Iron Maiden or Stewie from Family Guy. From here, head straight to a church that is in the middle of a sermon. Pause at the door to open a can of beer and pour it out on the ground, letting it splatter on the shirt. This makes it smell like booze and also pisses off the soon to be sober hobo a few feet away. Two birds, one stone. Put the shirt on and grab another beer and head into the sanctuary. It doesn’t matter what the sermon is about, you’re going to interrupt it to start an argument with the minister. Start with asking why there aren’t any dinosaurs in the Bible or on the Ark. If this doesn’t do the trick, ask who made God. Let the rest happen organically.
For the expert- After causing a ruckus in the church, stop by the aforementioned hobo and hand him a few handfuls of coins and run off. The catch? They are foreign coins. More specifically, ones that can’t be redeemed at a currency exchange. How will you carry them? Two words: cargo pants. Don’t waste that storage space, you spoiled American. The hobo will be greatful for the generousity-until he tries to pay for his weed with a fistful of coins from the Congo. Read the morning paper and look through the crime reports. Ten bucks says either the hobo or the dealer gets stabbed.
Step Four- Dress the Part
You’ve worked hard. Time for some easy exercises. Everyone’s heard the phrase ‘dress for success’. If you want to be a successful insufferable asshole, you better dress the part.
For the beginner- Go to the mall and find HotTopic. Don’t know what HotTopic is? Get to know it. It is the unofficial store of assholes. Take a look through their extensive collection of hats for bros, douchebags and assholes. Find the one that is the most ridiculous one you can and buy it. Promptly put it on. Quick, cock it to the side.
For the slightly more experienced asshole- While wearing your asshole hat, grow a retarded looking beard and/or moustache. THIS IS IMPORTANT.
For the advanced- After successfully growing the worst beard this side of the local trailer park, return to the mall and buy any shirt from PacSun. If at all possible, buy one that has an obnoxiously large logo for some surfboard company. Now head to the mall’s music store, in full asshole uniform, and look for the section that has vinyl records. Look through them and then turn and say loudly “I can’t believe you don’t have the new Guns ‘N’ Roses album’. Walk out now, but pause to ask the cashier if you can have fries with that shake.
For the expert- Ditch everything BUT the beard. Go to the Goodwill store and buy second hand clothes. Find the ugliest corduroy sports coat and clashing hat combo they have. Check out the book section and find the oldest book you can find that pertains to economics or philosophy. Make your way to a locally owned coffee shop and start a riveting discussion about the subject of your new book. Congrats, you’re now a hipster.
Don’t give up now. We’re almost there.
Step five- If you’re in a committed relationship, that’s gonna change
Everyone knows assholes are lousy at relationships. Here’s how you can waste the best years of someone else’s life.
For the beginner- Make plans and promises with no intention of living up to them. Sure, you said you’d go with your finance to pick out invitations for the wedding, but ESPN Classic is replaying the 1987 Rose Bowl. Sure, you know that in the second quarter Jim Harbaugh ran it in from the 29 yard line, but you forgot how glorious it was. I mean, they’re just invitations, right?
For the intermediate asshole- Go back to the Mexican restaurant and order the same thing you ate before riding the elevator. Actually, make that a double order. Drink some Ex-lax, too. Trust me. Go home and spill something smelly on your significant other that will make her want to take a shower. Right after she gets in the shower and shampoos her hair, quietly enter the bathroom. It will be hard to remain quiet, but stay the course. Let loose from your bowels the foulest dump ever dumped in the history of ever. Please take note- you must not flush the glorious turds and for God’s sake, leave the lid up. This kind of crap is meant to be seen. When she steps out of the shower, your stink will hit her like a Mike Tyson uppercut
For the advanced asshole- It’s unavoidable-you’re going to have to go to a wedding at somepoint. Make the most of a bad situation and hit on the bride. Get absolutely hammered and make sexual advances during the dollar dance. If you’re not beaten up after that, give a sexually graphic toast. When almost finished, put your hand in your pants pocket and pull out a pair of racy panties and turn to the bride and say “sorry, did you want these back?” then wink.
For the expert asshole- five words: tailgate at her grandmother’s funeral.
Also, burst in and give a graphically inappropriate eulogy. Use your slurred words to paint a vivid picture.
Mission accomplished. You’re officially an insufferable asshole.
There’s a quiz.
Go back through and review all of the exercises. If you made it through all the steps in each exercise on the first attempt, give yourself points based on the scale below.
If you only made it to the beginner’s level of any section before failing to complete successfully- one point. Intermediate, two points. Advanced, three points. And finally, if you successfully made it to the expert exercise and accomplished it on the first attempt, four points.
Add up your points. Look below to find out how you rank on the insufferable asshole scale.
4 to 8 points- You’re Chad Ochocinco. Sure, you’re an asshole, but you’re all bark and no bite.
9 to 12 points- You’re Kanye West. We get it, you’re an asshole. You can stop bragging about it, you’ve got a ways to go.
13 to 16 points- You’re Dick Cheney. You’re an asshole, but there’s room for improvement.
17 to 20 points- You’re Mel Gibson. Congrats, you’re the biggest asshole of all-time. I hope you’re proud.
E-mail me at firstname.lastname@example.org and tell me your score. I’ll send your certificate of assholery and a letter of recommendation to the International Society of Dickheads.