Ladies and bro’s, welcome to the “Official Guide to First-Glance Facebook Chat Prospecting of Bang Sesh’s for Bros.” Basically, is this chick gonna give it up or what? Shit… An explanation of each situation follows the screenshot from a real life conversation between a veteran bro and a hot girl. Read carefully:



The “Grammatically Correct” Prospect



                Good God, this is embarrassing. Cut your losses before you really embarrass yourself stud. This chick was hard-pressed to even capitalize the first letter of her greeting. And shit, she even punctuated.

Rule #1 of Facebook flirting: No punctuation, unless an exclamation mark (In which case you may be getting laid). Everyone knows grammar is for nerds so this girl is obviously trying to soften your johnson. Back to you go, and don’t forget to clear your history before you let your mom upload her iPod on your Dell.


The “Double Letter” Prospect



                Ahh, the Double Letter, not bad. The Double Letter typically means you at least have a chance, but you’re gonna have to work for it. Keep your answers short and simple in order to keep her guessing, you know, play hard-to-get and shit. Don’t ask too many questions, unless they’re 2 words long and relevant to fucking. Acceptable questions include:

“Party tonight?” (Only after 11 A.M. to avoid looking desperate)

“Single bitch?” (Only when “Random Play” is listed in the “Looking For” section of her profile)

“Wanna suck?” (Only when prospect has a tongue ring)

“Wanna fuck?” (Only when you’re piss-ass-shit-faced-hammered-drunk and it is well past 2 A.M. is this acceptable)

Editor’s note: This question is also acceptable if the proposed bang sesh has a default picture in which one of the following is occuring:

1)      She is doing the “Duck Face” and chucking deuces

2)      She is sticking her tongue out with eyes closed and alcohol in hand (demonstrating mouth size and, hopefully, tongue ring)

3)      She is with her boyfriend (fuck that guy…[douche…{pussy…Beat his ass}]) (prick)


The Prestigious “Triple Letter” Prospect


                Whooo! The Triple Letter! This constitutes a 90% chance of fucking, with a 99.45% chance of handjob or the like. She was in such a rush to break out the Triple Letter (thus delivering the rights to her vagina) that she forgot to capitalize her word! This opens up a few doors for the desperate Facebooker. It officially:

1)      Grants permission to sext (if you have her number)

2)      Grants permission to look up and use her phone number via Facebook Phonebook (in order to sext)

And the best part…

3)      This legally counts as consent to have sex when she is drunk/sleeping/drunk-sleeping, so def copy and paste the convo into a Word document and save that shit (to avoid Duke Lacrosse Team status, obvs). Trust me, I took Business Law class freshman year and got a C+ in that shit. Didn’t study once.



The Highest Honored “Triple Letter Smiley” Prospect


                You’re getting fucking laid bro. Wink faces (and any other types of cartoon faces/symbols used in Facebook chat) in combination with the prestigious Triple Letter are a sure-fire fucking DEMAND to absolutely wear this girl out! You could even bang this girl sober… But everyone knows bro’s don’t hook up with chicks sober. Scientists insist bro’s are never sober so that’s physically impossible. Yeah, I said it, physically impossible. Took Biology that same freshman quarter, turns out bros have higher levels of the element “bromine” in their genes than bro-haters and chicks. Consequently, chicks have larger sizes of bro in their jeans than they do bro-haters. Passed that shit quickly… Fuckin’ Gen Ed’s…



The “Dateline NBC” Prospect


                She’s 13.





                Bros of the world: I hope this guide can act as the Constitution of Facebooking for bros. Slam beers, count letters, and play that shit by ear. Never let a bro-hating boyfriend stand in your way, and definitely never Facebook chat with less than 10 drinks in your system. Gentlemen… scholars… bros… you now have the science, and legalities, behind prospective bang sesh’s via social networking. Use this information wisely young grasshoppers, and pass it on to your true bros. Meanwhile, I’m gonna pound some leftover nattys and hit the gym. Deuces.