Oh look, dear. The room comes with a cork board. How quaint. It would be better if these walls weren't made of cinder block so you could hang up that Matisse print, but I suppose this will do. I mean, you'd think for the price we're paying that you could get a little parquet flooring, but alright. Do you need anything else? Ok, we're going to stand in the way of other people while you unpack without our help. We'll take a couple brief strolls down the hall to turn our noses up at the Bob Marley poster that unkempt boy is hanging in 12C. When you invite him to our home for Thanksgiving, we'll still only refer to him as "That Boy With the Long Hair."

We're so proud of you, honey. I would say I'm prouder, as illustrated by the fact that I'm paying your tuition, but that's neither here nor there. Haha! I'm so glad we could be together for your big day. We get to be tense and make everyone else on the floor really uncomfortable. It would have been better if we had taken separate cars so we wouldn't have to drive home together, but haha! No, I'm not making digs at your parenting style. If you think I'm such a bad parent, then why don't you just pay her tuition yourself. FINE! I'm going to storm off and leave you guys embarrassed, but oddly not embarrassed enough, while everyone else tries to avert his or her eyes. Good luck assembling that f*cking lamp yourselves! 

Hi! Hi! Meet our child. Isn't this exciting? Oh, what lovely wall-to-wall carpeting! Have you met our child yet? This is going to be so much fun! We're going to be so effusively friendly to everyone on the floor that they won't be able to help feeling happier and more comfortable about this new stage of their lives. Unfortunately our child is going to be a huge sourpuss all day and he'll be endlessly needy all year. No one should go out drinking with this young man or they'll end up carrying him home! Ah, we love him anyway. We love everyone! What a lovely duvet you have! Have you met our child yet?

Wow, look at all of these renovations. It's great that they redid the bathrooms in the last 30 years, but it's a shame they had to get rid of that great avocado tiling. Do you remember that? Yeah, we used to call it the vomitorium. Haha! That was for different reasons then. We're going to tell lots of stories that will raise your expectations about how fun college will be to unrealistic proportions. Remember when Derk scaled the outside of the Tower? Oh, boy, we have really hyperbolized that story over time! He really just sat on a restricted fire escape once. Haha! Let's go frighten the other parents with these stories.

Don't worry about this uneven bed leg; the base of my hammer unscrews into 3 different screw drivers. Look at this fun door prop we brought. It looks like a little man holding open the door! Oh, no, no. Those blinds won't do. We've got extras in the car though. Does anyone else need new blinds? We brought four different sizes, just in case. Before we leave today, we will have moved every piece of furniture on the floor and three of the shower curtains. Uh-oh, the communal microwave's clock wasn't changed for daylight's savings. Let's take care of that and then set up the dust buster.

You can't smoke in the dorms? That's some crazy bullshit. You just toss a shower cap on that smoke detector thingy and you'll be good to go. We'll shout stuff like this in front of your RA, but that fruity twerp won't say anything. Right, Chang-Li, or whatever your name is? Baby, this is your KFC bucket, I got the one with extra sauce. We brought literally nothing useful for unpacking stuff at college and we still don't know how our kid got in, so we'll rely on the Gadget Parents to do everything until we finally leave without taking any of our garbage with us. Our weirdo egghead baby's in college!

We drove for 2 days to get here, so you best believe that we're staying all day, then spending the night at a hotel and coming back tomorrow. We will make it our goal to learn the name of every student and parent in this building before our child does. We'll ask about that girl whose dad stormed off on move-in day during every one of our thrice-weekly Skype sessions because, you know, it's really a shame that he couldn't have stayed to meet everyone. Oh, the RA wants the whole floor to play ice breakers? We'll come. Did you hear that? He doesn't want to be a bad guy. See? This is going to be so great.