Although it is quite grotesque in its own right that Soulja made millions of dollars off of the triple platinum chart topping hit “Crank That” some three years ago, what is perhaps even more disgusting is the actual lyrics themselves. Although countless bloggers, arm chair English scholars, and MTV viewers alike have been chatting in hushed undertones about what a “superman” is or whether Soulja boy is saying “OH!” or “HO!”, no coherent translation or conclusive analysis of this song has ever been attempted. In the interest of furthering human intelligence (or exposing an apparent lack thereof) I have delved into the deepest depths of urban dictionary and the blogosphere in order to deconstruct “Crank That” in an attempt to uncover the true, literal, grammatically correct meaning of this elusive song.
Soulja Boy up in this ho, Watch me crank it, Watch me roll, Watch me crank dat Soulja Boy, den Superman dat ho.
Soldier boy (speaking in third person) is about to become intimate with a sexually promiscuous woman. Watch me masturbate. Observe as I continue to touch myself. Perceive the fact that I, Soldier Boy, am sexually stimulating my own self, following which, I will ejaculate on the back of a sexually promiscuous women and use it as an adhesive to successfully attach a bed sheet to her back and thereto “superman” her.
Now watch me do, Now watch me do, Now watch me do, Now watch me do.
Observe as I stimulate myself, Observe as I stimulate myself, Observe as I stimulate myself, Observe as I stimulate myself.
Soulja Boy up in this ho, watch me lean and watch me rock, Superman dat ho, then watch me crank dat Robocop
Soldier boy has successfully penetrated a sexually promiscuous women. Take note of my sexual techniques. I instruct you to ejaculate on the back of a sexually promiscuous women and use it as an adhesive to successfully attach a bed sheet to her back effectively achieving a cursory resemblance to a caped superhero. Heed careful observation as I ejaculate into a metal bucket.
Super fresh, now watch me jock, jockin’ on them haterz, mayn. When I do dat Soulja Boy I lean to the left and crank dat dance. Now you!
I am quite conceited and consider myself good looking, now observe as I engage in sexually flirtatious behaviour in an attempt to attract those whom I could potentially have a sexual encounter with. I spread disrespectful rumours regarding those who dislike me. When I masturbate I lean slightly to the left. Now it is your turn to demonstrate what you have learned.
I'm jocking on yo bitch ass, and if we get the fightin, then I'm cocking on yo bitch.
I insist on engaging in sexually flirtatious behaviour, and if it leads to a physical confrontation, then I’m having intercourse with your sexual partner as revenge.
You catch me at yo local party, yes I crank it everyday, haterz get mad cuz "I got me some Bathin Apes”
You may haphazardly meet me at a social gathering. Yes, I masturbate every day. People who dislike me justify such behaviour on the grounds that I have expensive custom painted shoes made in Japan.
I'm bouncin' on my toe, watch me super soak dat ho.
I experience significant difficulty maintaining my center of gravity and offsetting potential vertigo whilst masturbating. I balance on my tippy toes in order to circumvent falling. Observe as I experience a quantitatively impressive orgasm.
I'm a pass it to A-rab, then he Gon' pass it to the low.
[Incomprehensible what is meant by this, however, a popular theory postulates that Soldier Boys friend A-rab would join in on (the) aforementioned sexual act(s)]
Haterz wanna be me Soulja Boy, I'm the man.
People who dislike me are patently jealous because I am perfect.
They be lookin' at my neck. Sayin' it's The Rubberband Man.
Those who hold a disfavorable opinion of me study the tattoos on my neck in detail and partake in conjecture amongst themselves in regards to whether or not I have been previously incarcerated in a federal penitentiary.
Let's get to it (Let's get to it), Nope, you can't do it like me, Nope, so don't do it like me. Folk, I see you try'n'a do it like me, Man that damn ugly.
Let us engage in intercourse in a timely manner. Your successful imitation of me will inevitably fail. So don’t attempt to emulate my behaviour. I am observing your futile attempts of emulation. I have concluded that your attempts to duplicate my behaviour were unsatisfactory on many levels.
Translation by Jacob Pacey
Original Lyrics Copyright 2007 DeAndre Cortez “Soldier Boy Tell’em” Way.